|
Author
|
Topic: He's married and I don't want to end it
|
sarsusus
unregistered
|
posted 07-19-104 09:43 PM
I met a man a few months ago and we hit it off immediately. We have mutual friends and were introduced that way. However, I never heard that he had a wife, of course I wasn't asking because when we met I was seeing someone else. He's a musician (I know) and he played at a local club one night and we ended up going home together. I specifically asked him if he was married, he said no. I asked him if he had kids, he said no. I asked him if he had a g/f, he said no. Long story short, he lied. His explanation was that if he had told me the truth that night while we were drinking and partying, that we couldn't have a rational conversation about the whole thing and then I wouldn't talk to him anymore. So, at first I blew him off because my ex-husband cheated on me, that's why he's my ex. He continued to call me every weekend and I talked to him on the phone, but didn't commit to anything or play back with his flirting. He didn't give up. I am totally into this guy and can't explain the attraction. I don't want him to leave his wife and I don't want to be this person that sees a married man. But, I love our time together so much (and no, it isn't just sex, it is also lots of talking because I think he needs someone to vent to and I'm a counselor, so it's only natural that it's therapeutic for him, but it also makes me feel very bonded with him). Anyway, I don't want anyone to justify this, because I know it's wrong on so many levels. But I would like for anyone who's been in the same situation to let me know how things worked out and how you handled the situation. I'm not a stupid person and I'm fully aware of the consequences of my actions. Usually, I make good decisions and follow the moral high road, but on this one I'm throwing caution to the wind and enjoying myself, at his wife's expense. How do I rectify this situation? And no, I don't want to end it, selfishly, I want it to continue forever because it's that satisfying to me. Okay, fire away... ps not that this is super important, but he's 44 and I'm 29 and I'm also wondering if he isn't going through a mid-life crisis. And no, I'm not the first "affair" he's had. He's surprisingly honest with me about how he isn't going to leave his wife because they have a young child together and about his past experiences. I think that he married her because she was cute, but she doesn't have much else to offer, so once that goes away (as she's getting older) he's realizing there isn't anything there to replace the cuteness. Not that it's right, just giving my take on the situation. |
moonjava
Member
|
posted 07-20-104 07:50 PM
 
i know i can't give you advice, but i wanted to say that i'm in a very similar predicament except a step down, as in he has a girlfriend. but we haven't done anything physical, just talked about doing stuff in the future. it really sucks, i know!! and i feel the same way, i don't want them to break up
inner peace |
wildflower
Member
|
posted 07-20-104 09:13 PM
I haven't been in a similar situation, so I can't really offer any advice, but I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings over time because, a few times, if a few things had been different, I might have been in a similar situation. And this kind of thing is so common that it makes you wonder sometimes if there isn't a legitimate and equally morally defensible response other than the common "You MUST leave him."So here are a few "what if" questions. I don't have answers to them, but maybe they will help you think about things: - What if there isn't supposed to be only one person out there who will meet all of your needs? - What if one person meets some of your needs and someone else meets others? What do you do? - What if humans are not meant to be monogamous? - What if your affair could actually make his marriage stronger? - What if love is never wrong? Is it ever wrong? Hope things work out for the best... [This message has been edited by wildflower (edited 07-20-104).] |
peacelover
unregistered
|
posted 07-21-104 03:57 AM
EVERYTHING happens for a reason... if you stay with him, you stay... if you leave him, you leave... it'll work out for the best  |
grow-n-puff
Member
|
posted 07-21-104 08:37 AM
what about her?I have a different veiw on this because of my personal situation. About a year ago, an old high school friend of my wifes got hold of her and they started talking about his marital problems. They would spend hours on the phone with each other talking about (I'm told) various issues that he had and need advice on. Being a relatively nice guy and very secure in my relationship with my wife, I tolerated it and even let him stay with us for a while after him and his wife broke up. This turned out to be a HUGE mistake. A couple weeks later, I stumbled across explicit emails of a sexual nature that she had written to him. One of these emails described a planned rendevous at a hotel while I was out of town on a wilderness fast. Since then, our relationship has gone down the preverbial toilet. I would just leave, but I have a five yr old son to worry about. Regardless of what excuses you make to keep your relationship with this guy, in the end someone WILL get hurt and not just a little hurt, I'm talking gut-wrenching, cry yourself to sleep at night kind of hurt. |
ladybug
Member
|
posted 07-21-104 03:36 PM
I think you need to question why you have so little respect for yourself that you choose to spend your time and emotions on someone a liar. That's what this particular person is. He lied to you when he met you (and his reasons are poor, at best) and he clearly lies to his wife as well. And now I toss out the question: where's our unity? Where's the sisterhood? It certainly isn't here. You should be ashamed of yourself. You are helping perpetuate the gender inequality that pits women against women in order to gain attention from a man. If you are a counselor, certainly you are aware of this. You must be educated! And should you not be stupid person, you are a person with VERY low self esteem to not need to feel more important than a lie to someone. You are a lie to his wife and his child. Peace, Wife of a musician and mother to a young child |
delilahjones
Member
|
posted 07-21-104 06:59 PM
Ladybug, I couldn't have said it better myself if I tried. I, too, am a wife and a mother of a young child. I agree with you, women need to stick together and stop hurting each other, especially hurting each other over a dishonest man, who obviously has his priorities seriously screwed up. I say, get some guts and leave the married guy and find one of your own. And when you do, you better hope that he never meets someone like you who does not respect the marriages of others. Because, dear sister, karma is going to come and bite you in the ass. |
Lady Raven
Member
|
posted 07-22-104 06:33 AM
I once dated a married man and it was one of the worst eperiences of my life. I WILL NEVER DO IT EVER EVER AGAIN! Every time I saw him I tried to believe he really loved me, I tried to believe we had something more special than what him and his wife had. What a lie! I wanted to believe he really cared. But through all of it my heart felt sick and I barely could function through most of it. Later on when we started becoming more intimate and closer as friends, he wrote me a letter and told me to quit stalking him!! I was devestated. I thought he loved me. Why? But I only was lying to myself. Why is it so alluring to go after something so unattainable. Why did I hate myself so much that I needed someone like this to care for me? This is a painful situation all the way around. I suggest you get some counseling. Go stay in a monastery. This helped me a lot.
The funny thing is about the married guy I dated is that he used to come on to me when I was 13 and he was a senior in high school. He also told me that he cheated on his wife four to five times a year. He also was coming on to preteen girls when I was dating him. Why did I date this loser? Because he made me feel special.
Please don't go down that road. You are special with or without him. |
Sarsusus
unregistered
|
posted 07-22-104 07:18 PM
Thank you to all who responded. I must remind some of you though, I was unaware that he was married when I "hooked up" with him. And yes, I know how it feels to be cheated on, remember again, my husband did it to me. It was gut wrenching and I did cry myself to sleep many many nights. I'm not trying to get anyone to say what I'm doing is right, because regardless of what some people think, I do not have a low self-esteem and do not need the reassurance of others. I simply wanted to see what everyone's feelings were on the subject. As I get older, I am realizing that marriage isn't respected in the way that I thought it was when I married my ex-husband over six years ago. That doesn't make what I'm doing right, but it certainly indicates that not everyone thinks it's wrong. I do feel badly for his wife, and his child for having to live in such an unhappy household. However, I also feel badly for him. He is "stuck" in a marriage, frustrated and struggling to figure out what he should do, torn by his love for his child and for his wife, and his emotional needs are not being met. So, although many people want to think that his wife is an innocent victim, I choose to be more objective and realize that it takes two people to make a marriage not work, and he is just as much a victim because he is unhappy too. And I do care about him, and want him to be happy. If working things out with his wife makes him happy, I would support that 150%, and he knows that. We have talked for hours about his situation and I have "counseled" him and listed out all of the options he has that I can think of... including, getting counseling with his wife and sorting this situation out. Beyond that, why should I have any more responsibility towards her? I didn't promise her anything and I don't owe her anything... even if she is a "sister"/fellow woman. I do believe in karma, and I'm confident that by helping him through this time in his life by being there for him and caring about his feelings, that I'm creating good karma. Like I said, marriage isn't the sacred union that so many people want to believe it is... although that makes me sad (and did when my own marriage wasn't respected) I have to be a realist because I have to live in this world... and love doesn't happen everyday. So, thanks again for all of the input.  )Sarsusus |
ladybug
Member
|
posted 07-23-104 08:43 AM
I feel very sorry for you Sarsusus. Clearly, you've never experienced love. Even more clearly, you have no self love. You must have been hurt very badly.Despite your efforts to justify this man's actions, he is not a victim. He can leave this situation and create a better environment for his child. He is victimizing his wife by raping her of her choices. By disallowing her an honest perspective and wasting her life and her time on lies. Perhaps she's not a good person. Perhaps she's dishonest and emotionally unavailable. He vowed to love her and paid tribute to a sanction that many do still respect. I hope my husband is never "counseled" by someone so diabolical as yourself. Frankly, I think that your justification (though oddly, you keep claiming not to justify it) is grossly off track and I think you need a little "counseling" yourself. If this seems cruel, perhaps I don't care to be kind to you. I do not tend to fancy mysogynists with a taste for the backlash. I work to hard to preserve my rights and choices... while you're working hard to relinqish them. But, I don't have much time for this, as I'm busy raising my child in an honest and healthy environment. |
blisjunkie
Member
|
posted 07-23-104 10:30 AM
oh girl....
no matter what excuses you throw out there to justify your actions, you can not change the fact that you are in bed with a married liar. not a man.... a liar.
he is using you, he is abusing his family. how could you ever trust him, knowing he can't even tell the mother of his child the truth?
when you marry the mistress, it only leaves a job opening... this 'karma' will one day turn around and bite you square in the ass. a real man wouldn't cheat. a real sister wouldn't fuck another sister's man. get real......grow up..... ------------------
in peace and in touch..... blis |
GreatChiwana
unregistered
|
posted 07-24-104 03:16 AM
I am one who has been torn down by cheating. And I have read with an open mind the comments about this particular "problem" (for lack of a better term). Most of which is polarized. Lady Bug has made some reasonable points, but I do not believe your self esteem is the root of this issue. It is rather a mix of bad timing and manipulation. This man, which I happen to be a man, has found himself in an advantagious spot, a women at home whom I assume loves him, and a women on the side who has fallen for him. He is experiencing what most men would consider the best of both worlds. But he is only experiencing it simply because you are enableing him to do so. His "long talks" and "romantic" speeches to you really do help him, for the moment because it is not you, but him with self esteem issues. He needs you to make him feel okay about the life long relationship he finds himself in. He needs his wife to help him do what we are all here to do, raise offspring in a loving enviorment. You have placed yourself to deep. For if you do leave him, he won't stop pursuing you, and if you don't, what do you truly have to gain? A love affair of secrecy and you yourself will start down the path of incompleteness. Realize why you go to bed with him, why you talk to him, perhaps it is not a perfect as it all seems. I have researched a quote about infidelity, "When once infidelity can persuade men that they shall die like beasts, they will begin to live like beasts." -South
I do not personally know what is best, for I do not know you or him or his wife, or his child. But as you speak so poorly of his wife, the knowledge you've gained about her comes from his plauged lips. He, as in any man who would find themselves in this position, would say almost anything if you will listen. The words that fill your head may seem like beauty, but they truly are poision. He wants you, and he knows you want him. Therefor, nothing will stop him from pursuing you now. If he is genuinely honest with you, ask him one question;
"why do you lie?"
His answer may surprise you.Leave him, before you yourself fall into the darkness my dear.
|
Sarsusus
unregistered
|
posted 07-24-104 06:56 PM
Great Chiwana... thank you so much for this well-thought out and sincere response. I think that you are right on so many things, it's almost uncanny. I had decided to end this relationship this weekend, but then he called me and I was "swayed" back. Then, we had a huge fight last night and we both said things that we probably shouldn't have. However, I notice that most of what he says to me has to do with him thinking that I'm insecure... and honestly, insecurity has never been my problem. I do think that he's insecure about so many things, and that's what leads to him constantly questioning my security. Believe it or not, our fight was about honesty, which is so ironic that I can't even believe that we had the discussion. And, his wife knows what is going on. She doesn't know me, or who I am, but she does know that he is seeing someone else, and according to everyone that the two of them are friends with that I know, she really doesn't care because she doesn't want him in that way. So, the story goes on. I thought that I could do this, and even thought I should because of my belief that love doesn't happen that often and when it does you should savor it. But now I think that I'm falling too hard for him and I may not be able to find my way back. I do believe that he is falling in love with me, if he isn't already, and that he is utilizing textbook defense mechanisms to create distance when he feels too close. Anyway, none of it really matters anyway, because the situation is crumbling quickly towards destruction. I don't want to marry him and I don't want him to leave his wife... yet... but I know that eventually I will because my feelings for him are getting steadily stronger. So, again, thank you so much for honestly replying to my post without feeling that you needed to attack me... as that is the most obvious symptom of insecurity. Sarsusus |
RajDotKapoor
unregistered
|
posted 09-28-104 01:43 PM
Sarsusus, Hi... I just stumbled across this email thread and felt letting yall know what you are doing or may end up doing. Did you ever put your self in the wive's shoes? Did you ever put your self in the kids shoes ever? Would you want to be a cheaters wife or a child? It is not just the man who will be responsible for all the destruction that will be caused but you as well. I agree you should savor Love when the oppurtunity comes, BUT know loves boundaries. Yes love's got its boundaries as well honey!, and that is called marriage. You said in one of your 1st messages that you are a counseler to him, so be one... see if you can direct this strayed man into the right path and save his marriage. True Love and True Marriage fades over time but does not die. it picks up after a while but does not die, like the third wave which is very strong. It comes when you are old and you hold hands together and say once again "I love you". Love doe not dies just because you lost your cuteness, it should become even stronger, and people like you can make it stronger by counselling people like this guy that you are dating. And then not just you who will come out as a winner but this man as well. the world will be a much better place to live and love...I saw replies to your message from many, and none came bold enough to think about the wife and kid. That is the sad part of the story... |
RajDotKapoor
unregistered
|
posted 09-28-104 01:45 PM
Me email address RajDotKapoor... in case you want to talk more about it... |
RajDotKapoor
unregistered
|
posted 09-28-104 01:45 PM
Me email address RajDotKapoor@hotmail.com... in case you want to talk more about it... |
BiHippieMan
Member
|
posted 09-28-104 01:57 PM
Do yourself a favor and.....RUN! Do him a favor.....RUN! Do his wife a favor.....RUN! Do his children a favor.......RUN! And DON'T look back! |
Danielle0809
unregistered
|
posted 11-19-104 01:34 PM
I have been reading up on infidelity lately, because i am a victim of infidelity, I have been married to my husband comming on 7 years now, and did not know anything was going on, before you believe stories of his wife not "being there for him" I love my husband, and i wish i didn't because i would of had more courage to leave, i did not suspect anything, do you know why? because we laughed all the time together, went on holidays every year, made love with passion, to my nieve eyes, i thought we had the perfect marriage, so no i didn't suspect anything, why would I? Then the horrible friday night that I found out came. It crushed my whole world, everything I was doing in my marriage, working hard to get a good future for us was just now a farce. If you have been a mistress,Imagine his wife, his child, those who believe in him, waiting for their husband, their father, and he returns home late, smelling of you and deception. One day, if you are unlucky, you may be in her shoes. Only then will you ever know the true meaning of betrayal. the illusion that "nobody gets hurt" is just that, an illusion, but more appropriately, a delusion. |
redthewitch75
Member
|
posted 11-25-104 09:41 PM
Where to start? I realise that you did not know that he was married, at first. But that is when you should have stopped to consider that you should not have slept with him, when you didn't really know him in the first place. In the second place, when you DID find out that he was married, you should have ended things then and there. Yes, he may not be happy in his marriage. But he is a big boy, and there IS something called divorce. Don't pull out that "he has a child" crap, because as a counselor, you should know that it isn't healthy for people to stay in a relationship for the sake of the children. He uses that as an excuse, I imagine, because you are not the first person he has cheated on his wife with. Do you really believe that if he ever does leave his family for you, that he would be faithful to you? Again, as a counselor, you should recognise the pattern here. He is a chronic liar, with no morals. Is this REALLY who you would want to spend your life with? I would hope NOT. You should also know, as a counselor, that you CAN'T change someone who doesn't want to change. I really hope you decide to move on, and find a man of your own. ------------------
Peace, Love and Light!
The Happy Hippie Heathen. | |
Happy Hippie Forum
To close this thread, click here (moderator or admin only).
