Musikiwaka!!!!!!!

[purplepeepee]

up late shark bate hang another earth quake I got lots of shirt lake get myself around in this city..........................always an improv. Is anyone else here a poet? I love to have group writings.

[delta9]

I'm a poet of sorts, as well. :> Improvisational as well.

unsupervised group poetry in a forum like this, it would be difficult to keep the energy focused and going, though I don't doubt it'd be interesting :)

[Pedata]

I hate my bra
It don't fit well
It makes my butt and fingers
swell.



Bra-Hater,
Pedata

[PEACE FROG]

Young girl at the supermarket checkout. An American princess in plastic sandals and a toe ring. A welcome distraction from the gauntlet of alien obductions, sleazy Paris and Frankenstein from neverland. I-POD, CINGULAR, ABERCROMBE, OLD NAVY, candy pacifier and a glow stick. She's a pop culture collage, a targeted demograph, a covert operation, a surgical strike, with pin point accuracy where modesty and self esteem died on the table. My eyes play connect the dots on her back, pale white cookie dough, a sacraficial canvas for generic ink, Daddys Girl and something tribal. underscored by a satin waistband, Victoria's secret is out. Crayons to lipstick in 60 seconds. Yesterdays Happymeal and a girls toy, today Doral buy one get one free. Wonder if they'll let her buy those? Man.... do I miss Marsha Brady. Ed

[delta9]

That your brother's work, Peace Frog?

[PEACE FROG]

Just wrote it. :)

[delta9]

Ah. Re-checked other thread and now I see your brother was, talking to you, saying "Eddie" :). 'Tis interesting. I can't quite get the meter on it, which kills non-rhyming poetry for me :/. Though I do love the images :)

[PEACE FROG]

Its cool, I don't rap either. :D

[delta9]

Its cool, I don't rap either. :D
That's good. I've lived in the hood, so... Think of the tightest beat you've ever heard and throw me on it, thus:


Rap is a reflection of Hip Hop through a broken mirror
They move with no direction; the goal never nearer.
I think they should stop looking at my complexion.
Focus on the words, maybe learn about adverbs.
Poetry's a sacred art, and best from the heart
Never a moneygrubbing rapper upstart.
Their attitude is rubbing me down; no gratitude - I frown.
Materialistic; and I'm going ballistic - To a point.
But I should be calm. Smoke a joint, healing balm.
It's the green with the things that you need,
Not the green which brings only greed...
And I kind of fizzled out after that (freestyled it, yo)

[BandAide]

As a graduate student of creative writing and as someone who will, in time, have a doctorate in the subject, I make the learned claim that rhyme will suffocate a work of poetry. By this, I mean that you can only make so many intelligent rhymes. If you have the word “insight,” you can only create so many rhymes to pair with it (all which have certainly been done before) and so your next line becomes controlled and limited by one word you chose to use. Though internal rhyme is rich in value, traditional rhyme leads your piece astray and begins to control and dictate its intention. The writing then loses its value to its sound and all we hear is a very sing songy lyric. As lyrics sung and paired with music, this works well. In poetry, on paper… not so much. The sound should not define a pieces meaning, but should suggest it’s tone. The indisputable “Greats” of our times—the Alexander Pope’s, the William Shakespeare’s, the Wordsworths and Dickinsons and Cummings, and Moliers have rhymed the rhymes; what we’re left with now are archetypes of their work. As a poet, one should have a sensitivity to the future, being that writers create culture. Our world is a very different place than it was one, two, three or four hundred years ago. We should be progressive in our representation of it. Because language is an ever-changing tool, we should use it intelligently and gingerly, taking care not to be terribly myopic in our pursuit. Free verse and prose that includes internal rhyme is truly the best, most responsible use of our language.

Of course, this has been a bold claim made by someone with strong feelings on the subject who really knows her stuff (if I do say so myself!)
:p

[PEACE FROG]

Bandaid post another one of yours please. :D

[PEACE FROG]

Oh yeah delta, uh... there once was a lady from china......

[delta9]

I must say I'm not strictly a poet. If you didn't get from above and haven't yet gleaned from my signature, I am an amature hip hop emcee. Generally, I flow, or "freestyle", make up the words as I go along to the beat with (currently limited, as I haven't quite "gotten there" yet) rhythm and emphasis.

I'm interested in Rhyme Schemes, "invent" (quoted because many people have probably used the same schemes I have "invented") some of my own, intersperse well known types, like Limericks and such... All good fun. Of course, that's writing. When you're making it up as you go along, it's generally a lot simpler, but I have, thankfully, graduated out of "simple couplets" in my freestyles, which is nice.

I enjoy a good meter, as well. I need to do more with meter, actually, it will probably help my rhythm (which I consider dismal). I've got some recorded stuff if anyone is brave enough to listen to this white boy rap (though I must say, it's HIP HOP DAMNIT, just most of you probably don't know and don't care about the difference).

I'd like to see some of your poetry, BandAide :) Hell, I'd like to discuss some of my writings with you sometime if you're up for it, as I feel I am PRETTY GOOD with the freestyling and am not so confident with my writing. To be honest (and like many artists) I don't like most of what I make and think it sucks... On the other hand, OTHER people tell me it's really not bad, in fact I've got a few people telling me it's pretty damn good (but most of those are good friends, so what do you expect?) and I do realize part of it is that I will never be satisfied with my own work because I will always see that I can improve in SOME area...

Meh I ramble :)

[BandAide]

Here's another one. Peace Frog, I'm a pretty big fan of yours!

Delta, I'd be happy to talk about any of your writing. I love to write and some people will appreciate my style and some people will obviously hate it. Some people will feel touched, while others will think it boring. But, one things that I do feel certain of is that I know what I'm talking about.


Over my Shoulder

Two years ago- I might have married you.
I might have rooted myself to the hard wood floors or a modest church-
In a fluffy white dress- staring at a pale Catholic priest-
Pledging to support you for the rest of my life.
I might have taken the escalator trail- of outlet stores-
with name-brands crossed out by imitation red pen---
Of nights when you didn't return home- making new friends.
The scent of other women concealed by the beer on your breath.
Imight have worked my ass off while you slept till ten---
Taken another job to finance our mini-van---
because you can't get a good trade- on your T top, side Affect- Big shit- Character Sketch- all leather interior- piece of crap- Cherry Red Camero.
I might have actually done it.
But,
I didn't.
And it is to date--- the
very
least
of my
PrObLeMs.
You are my America
My love/hate grandeur.
Enabling clarity within the bounds of freedom-
Hold it right above my nose and hope I'm not wearing platforms.
My America.
Where I can quit my job- I can abandon my home- I can count on consumer mentality- media fabrication- oppressive government based on white male dominance-
Where
even
the Black Man
Straightens
his
hair
for work.
The United States of America-
Funny-
The thought of unity in this country-
Where independence is encouraged-
Providing it doesn't deviate from the lines of accepted conformity.
Unity-
Assuming you are not a single woman- getting up there- with no real direction- out in bars- with your tequilla worm- hanging off your bottom lip- hoping somethin' bites-
Hoping you don't go home empty handed-
Hoping you're not the last of your friends to be married.
Hoping you get married at all.
Unity.
Providing you are not a man- coming of age- where there is no real opportunity- outside computers and corporately owned stability-
Where your value is placed in the buck that you make- or the size of your piece- hidden in the back of your night stand.
Hoping you can prove your masculinity- by catching some fishy's worm-
Giving it the tongue-
Praying she cums- with benefits and healthcare.
Because your own's not that good.
Unity-
Providing you take part in J-Crew, The Gap, Soy Milk and white meat without skin.
Unity-
If you believe in God- Believe in War- Believe in Shrub-and resign to someone else's opinion-
Because if you deviate from the masses- why try to change what shouldn't be altered?
Two years ago, I might have married you.
I might have put on my Brooks Brother Glasses- with their toroise shell frames-
I might have had your babies-
I might have done your laundry-
I might have sliced your pepperoni-
I might have overlooked the undercooked way you never loved me.
But I didn't.

[delta9]

I am impressed :), and I certainly believe you know what you're talking about :)

for shits and giggles, here's one of my writings that I have not touched in a while, but I was semi-fond of parts of it when I wrote it...

It's attempt three, and it's getting to where I need some tree,
'Cause I'm getting crazy...
I wanted to end it with love, but you, you push and shove,
And don't want me to speak of...
The things that we had, well I tell you it makes me mad,
Is remembering really so bad..?
So what if I want to love you when you're gone,
It's like you think I'm too weak to move on...
But I tell you, I'm the strongest of the strong...
Meta human, and yes, I know that sounds wrong...
But put me with a thousand people, and I stand out of the throng...
I'm one in a million, but now it's my heart that you're killin...
Keep fuckin' around and I'll end up without a heart to pound...
Completely objective, totally lost the human perspective...
My past haunt's you..? I remember stealing and drug dealing,
Just to cover my foot with shoe...

You couldn't make me feel any worse, but at least I worked out another verse...
Now my message is short and terse...
That mind game shit, you should know I don't fuck with it...
Really, I'll never forget...
Continuing on like this, it can't last - you want to hear about my past..?
I'll tell a story, scope vast...
Covering the past, present, and future - the story of my adventure...

Now pay attention... It's time for another lyrical invention...
Another late night, and once again I write... Rhyme...
It's but an extension of my thoughts; Which get across to you, I might...
[Now,] Back when little was alright, funds more than tight... Crime...
Our lives on suspension, while we dodged police detention...
The outlook less than bright, sellin' to help our plight... Dime...
Always fearing apprehension, house on the streets, I mention... Grime...
In a place of tension, before we began our ascension...
Together we held upright, on the prize we set our sight... Climb...
Taking you to another dimension, challenging powers of comprehension...
Don't take my words as slight, they're deep, meant to delight...

We arrived in the north with the best of intentions...
Set forth by parental interventions...
We landed on the street... Went to town...
I was branded elite... No time to frown...
Handed money with which to eat... We took the crown...
Stranded, but well did people treat... A crew of great renown...
Commanded respect, even incomplete... So long as we didn't drown...
Stood erect, we were ready to compete...

As I reflect, it's hard to see how we made it through...
I can't construe, how it wasn't all wrecked...
Why the reaper didn't come to collect...
It's amazing we made it through...
Our bodies put up with neglect...
While we stacked up payments overdue...
Moving along with no one to direct...

Fairly simplistic rhyme and meter structure through most of it. Remember, it IS meant to be vocalized over music... Man I so can't look at my own work. I'm so... self-critical? Anyway, the punctuation doesn't mean much there... It's just sort of the way I was writing at the time :o

[LIBRA]

I Like It Alot. Touching And Appreciated!! Sounds Alot Like Me And My Ex!!
Really Good!!!!

D ;)

[Pedata]

You said it all, so right, and so true.

Peace,
Pedata

[BandAide]

Hi Delta,

This has both strong and weak points. Overall, I do appreciate it's poetic value but really agree that I'd need to hear a voice and a beat to truly hear it.



"It's attempt three, and it's getting to where I need some tree,
'Cause I'm getting crazy..."

This opening makes me first wonder, "where are attempt one and two," and then, why you chose to use the word "tree" here. That being said, I do really like the repetition of the hard "e" sound you've utilized. I think it sounds strong and is catchy and grabbing as an opener.

The things that we had, well I tell you it makes me mad,
Is remembering really so bad..?

Rhymes like "had" to "mad" to "bad" are generally not good rhymes to use becasue they've been bounced off of each other so many times that they are, in and of themselves, cliche.


"I'm one in a million,"

Avoid using cliche's like this in your poetry. "The strongest of the strong" is another that I saw. There are many other ways to say that you're an incredibly special person. The problem with using cliches like this is that they symbolize a plethera of things for any one person. We've all heard them and personalized them, and that dillutes the thumb print that you should be leaving on your piece.

"Continuing on like this, it can't last - you want to hear about my past..?
I'll tell a story, scope vast...
Covering the past, present, and future - the story of my adventure..."

I like this part for two reasons. I, first, like the future/adventure pairing. I,next, like the story tlling forcast of these lines.

"Now pay attention... It's time for another lyrical invention...
Another late night, and once again I write... Rhyme...
It's but an extension of my thoughts; Which get across to you, I might...
[Now,] Back when little was alright, funds more than tight... Crime...
Our lives on suspension, while we dodged police detention...
The outlook less than bright, sellin' to help our plight... Dime...
Always fearing apprehension, house on the streets, I mention... Grime...
In a place of tension, before we began our ascension...
Together we held upright, on the prize we set our sight... Climb...
Taking you to another dimension, challenging powers of comprehension...
Don't take my words as slight, they're deep, meant to delight..."

This entire verse is GREAT! Your repetition of the "ight" and "ime" sounds work VERY well. I think you could better punctuate your structure by adding another "ime" sound after "delight."



"As I reflect, it's hard to see how we made it through...
I can't construe, how it wasn't all wrecked...
Why the reaper didn't come to collect...
It's amazing we made it through...
Our bodies put up with neglect...
While we stacked up payments overdue...
Moving along with no one to direct..."

This needs to come full circle. The ending feels incomplete. Maybe bring it back to the original person the narrator was directing, or, I seem to remember a promise of future tales earlier in the piece.

I hope this has been, if not helpful, than insightful!

[delta9]

Wow. :) You are good. I learned much in my first lesson.


This has both strong and weak points. Overall, I do appreciate it's poetic value but really agree that I'd need to hear a voice and a beat to truly hear it.
I'll put it to music sometime in the next couple days after I modify it with some of these very good good points. :)

I purposefully used those cliches, but in my heart of hearts (another, sarcastically), I was always unhappy with those parts; I'll find better ways... (Oh that was bad of me ^_^) And now I see why I was never happy with them. Thank you for lifting the veil.


This opening makes me first wonder, "where are attempt one and two,"
Actually, and I don't know if this makes it better or worse, but it's quite literal. It was my third attempt to write the opening to this song, and I was trying to vent all these feelings I was having because someone I cared about had really done a number on me mentally and emotionally not even a half hour before that verse was finished.


Rhymes like "had" to "mad" to "bad" are generally not good rhymes to use becasue they've been bounced off of each other so many times that they are, in and of themselves, cliche.
Luckilly they're not in my stock-rhymes (the ones I fall back on and use most when freestyling). They just seemed to work there. I will see if I can brew something more interesting up :).


This entire verse is GREAT! Your repetition of the "ight" and "ime" sounds work VERY well. I think you could better punctuate your structure by adding another "ime" sound after "delight."
It did always feel as if it were missing something (and in fact, in the beat that I have in mind for this song, there is a bit of extra space after this verse).


This needs to come full circle. The ending feels incomplete. Maybe bring it back to the original person the narrator was directing, or, I seem to remember a promise of future tales earlier in the piece.
Aye. I did the past and the present. I have yet to write the final bit. I sort of got involved in work-related things (damn having to make money) and had to drop the song. Such is the way of life.

But my oh my. You have thus far been AMAZINGLY helpful and quite insightful. I extend my DEEPEST gratitude. Even if you never help me with another piece, if either ("we" have one hip hop and one "rock" band - crazy hippies) of our bands "make it" I will personally ensure your life is made much less stressful :).

[PEACE FROG]

Bandaide sincerely, I am floored... absolutely floored. Bravo!!!! :D :cool: And thankyou!!! Ed

[theREALsun]

delta, I am enjoying reading your work
bandaide, i am impressed by your critiques, i am finishing up my english degree with a concentration in creative writing, what was your degree? I think I remember you saying that you were working on your masters, may I ask in what? Curious for my own knowledge, I am unsure of where to head after this english thing is done..... thanks :D

[BandAide]

Hi Realsun! I did my BA in English and my MFA will be in creative writing. In what seems like an impossible amount of time I'll have my doctorate in creative writing as well. My final career goal is to teach writing at the university level. Part of me just loves school so much that I never want to leave.

[purplepeepee]

Y'alls are good. Just goes to show I still got the touch. But, you know, I have yet to show my best. :p

[theREALsun]

Hi Realsun! I did my BA in English and my MFA will be in creative writing. In what seems like an impossible amount of time I'll have my doctorate in creative writing as well. My final career goal is to teach writing at the university level. Part of me just loves school so much that I never want to leave.

wow! you are amazing! i admire what you are doing! I hope someday i will get there!

[december]

Hey BandAid that was great... it reminded me of my mother and father's relationship...

Have you posted that somewhere else? It was so familiar to me, I have read some of it before I just can't remember where... or maybe it was that the images were so familiar because of my parents... ;)

[BandAide]

I also posted it on the feminist planet website! :) I posted a few there, along with a short story!

[december]

ok that might have been it :)

[purplepeepee]

Just all get up
Get out
Lets go

Lets go down to the
puddled hole

Shake it off
Pull up a chair

Hey there
Hey there
I'm almost where

Out of my muddy bed
into a holy shed

built by my father's hands
I don't know him
but I grain the sands

of the pedestool
poppa get out of preschool
Lovely toadstool
don't play me for a fool

Just all get up
Get out
Lets go

Lets all go
Lets all go

Hey there
Hey there
I'm almost where

Where are we going
To the know where.

[Pedata]

I like that. It made me think of being young, and on foot, on one of those summers nights when everything is damp from an earlier cooling rain. A sense of adventure, not really knowing or caring where we're all going. Just going.

Peace,
Pedata

[purplepeepee]

I like that. It made me think of being young, and on foot, on one of those summers nights when everything is damp from an earlier cooling rain. A sense of adventure, not really knowing or caring where we're all going. Just going.

Peace,
Pedata


Yup. Infact, it just rained today. And it feels good. Just poison ivy is to watch out for. I don't particularly like those welts. :p

[delta9]

Well, I've re-written the beginning of my song. Working on how to improve that middle part, adding the last IME sound(s) and making it fit with the music... Then it's... back to the future!