distracted

[BandAide]

I'm supposed to be writing a paper now, but instead I've got my mind on other things.

As I've written here a bunch of times and some of you know, I had a baby 8 months ago. Before I had our baby, my husband and I were really social. Before we got married (a year and a half ago) we lived in a house with five other roommates and we didn't have formal jobs (he plays music in a band and I made clothes and was vending at festivals and living off the profits in non-festival times) so we were able to have people over all the time and stay up late and sleep until two if we we felt like it on any given day. Every day was Saturday for a long time.

When I got pregnant everything changed. We wanted to buy a house, so we moved in with my parents in order to save up lots of money fast. Because we were saving so much, we couldn't afford to go out much. Plus, I was pregnant and after a certain point, I didn't want to go out and hang out with a bunch of unsober people as the only sober person in the room inhaling their second hand smoke. Then, we bought our house and moved in. We invite people over all the time, but it's a little different now because we have a baby. I'm not able to sit around and talk on the telephone for hours at a time every day. When people come over, we don't allow smoking of anything in our house (as to not pollute baby lungs,) so often people end up smoking in the basement and then everyone ends up in the basement and I am still upstairs, by myself.

All of this is fine. I'd rather hang out with my daughter than anyone else anyway.

But, I noticed this overwhelming anger towards me from my social group. No matter how many times I explain why I am not able to see anyone as much or talk on the phone as much... and no matter how many times I apologize for it... it seems like someone is always mad at me.

Recently, I went out to see my husbands band for the first time since our baby was born. I saw a lot of cattiness while I was there and I wrote a little poem about it and posted it in my online blog. Well, a bunch of people assumed it was about them and got really nasty with me in my "comments section" and I had to delete them and write a disclaimer on the poem.

Now, there is no reason that these people should think that this poem is about them unless they are projecting their known actions onto my unkowing poetry. So, it's fair to assume my writing about catty girls is interpretted by these girls who are supposed to be my friends as a reflection of themselves.

Also, people always seem to be saying mean things about me now and talking about me behind my back. This began while I was pregnant and has become progressively worse. It's also a reason why I've been keeping my distance a little bit.

It makes me feel terrible and I don't think I'm deserving of it.

I try very hard to be a positive person and I can't figure out why I have all this negativity surrounding me.

I'm not interested in the drama... AT ALL.

[orchid]

It sounds like it's time to meet some new friends. I don't have any children but I do see how it can change a woman's priorities. In your post, your friends seem selfish, unsupportive and generally in resistance to your new way of life. As for your poem, I'll say just one thing: a guilty conscience needs no reminder.

[peregrine]

i am so sorry that your friends are treating this way. they have no right too and its very unfortunate that adults have to act this way. i really hope that you meet some people that will respect you and your child.

peace and love

[cadebear]

hey!

i also have a new baby,he is 15 months now! i can totally relate to your pregnant feelings! lucky for me most of my friends had kids or were also pregnant with me!but my husbands friends were not (haha) and my girlfriends all lived in other towns/states! we were very active in college as well and our lives CHANGED when the baby came! its natural and wonderful! im sorry your friends are acting weird. i agree that it may be time for new friends. enjoy the good memories you had with them and start to seek out others who are in similar life stages as you! attachment mom groups, library reading groups. dont let it get you down! how old are you? you dont have to answer that!it seemed that your friends are acting sorta ..childish...?? not that age means you have to act one way! im 30 and my friends can be annoying! enjoy your little girl!time goes sooo fast! and forget about the pettiness(sp?)!!take care!

[BandAide]

I'm 28, actually. My friends are all around the same age.

I've been very fortunate because we bought a house in a neighborhood that is very old and has had a lot of houses for sale lately. New families have been moving in all over the place. I have a few mom's with babies on my street who I've become friendly with lately.

I've been trying to put all of this crappy stuff behind me, if for no other reason just because I'm way to busy to deal with it. But, it seems like people keep on lashing out... even when completely unprovoked. Even though I haven't hung out with them in forever.

It's so weird.

At the risk of sounding egotistical, I think that there is a certain amount of jealousy. Jay and i are the first of our friends to get married and have a child. I think that when people progress and do something very different that can be interpreted as a "traditional next step" it reminds other people of what they're not doing... and if they want those things for their own lives than it makes them feel badly. I also think that people didn't expect us to be successful and would have almost preferred it if we'd fallen on our faces.

Such negativity. I just want it out of my life.

[wyldflower]

I can only echo what's already been said. Find some ew frineds. The true ones in your crowd will stick with you. The others are being reminded of time passing, that you're moving on, taking the "next step," while they are not. Don't let them make you feel bad; you have too much too offer. It's their loss if they can't see it.

[2veggiebabes]

I have two children, 3years and 9 months. I am 33 and my husband is 27. We both lived the same life style as you until we had children. It was a big adjustment , however we were lucky to have friends that embraced parenthood. I had 6 of them at the birth of my first. (It was a party)

Now about once a week I get together with other moms and we go to the park, the "Farm" in Summertown, TN, the science center, etc. It's great because you can have adult conversation and the children can play. The other moms understand when you need to nurse or attend to a child.

If you do not have many friends with children try going to a local play area a couple times a week. This is a great place to find new friends.

I am sorry that your friends are so inconsiderate of your family. You sound like a wonderful person (I have read may of your posts "Ladybug") You will find other friends and they will embrace you and your child!

Good luck and enjoy your new life as a Mom.

[calico_skies]

Bandaide, It has been a while since I have replied to you. In fact I thought that you had actually disapeared, mostly due to school. I hope Bunny is doing well. My son is almost 10 months old and still never ceases to amaze me on a daily basis.

I was lucky enough to be pregnant at the same time of a very close friend. I know we both went through feelings of boredom and even irritation when we were the only two sober people at a gathering. It did allow us to see that we could enjoy ourselves without the influence of other such things however fun they may be at times.

You know change can be a difficult adjustment for some people. Unfortunately anger is often the easiest for people to express, even if it is unwarrented. I also think that people without children don't exactly comprehend just how much a child changes your life. And that you love and embrace that change with all of your heart can be confusing. You know they thought you enjoyed your previous life. Perhaps they are taking it personally that you now prefer this life. That is not to say that all people without children are unsympathetic.

After the birth of our son a particular friend would constantly say he wanted to come over and "hang out". He just did not get that now our lives revolved around this tiny incredible person, and that meant earlier evenings and less partying. Although the offers have become fewer we still have people who expect our lifestyle to be as it once was.

As time goes on friends will begin to "get it", and those who don't will move on. Also, as Bunny gets older you too will become more confident as a parent and able to resume some of your former enjoyments...as you so desire. Then on the occasion that you go out to watch your husband perform friends will be happy to see you and catch up, if not you get to enjoy watching your husband.

Just remember karma. One day these particular friends may find themselves with spouse and child and they may not remember how they treated you but you will have the chance to show them how a true friend behaves.

[LIBRA]

I have a three year old boy and he is my EVERYTHING I cant even imagine my life with out him, he amazes me everyday its unexplainable unless you have children then you cant, its beautifull. I had lived the same lifestyle as you and stopped when I got pregnant, I would sit in my room alone and cry because everyone was partying in the living room and then I realized why am I sad this is awesome having this baby in my belly a "natural high" from that day on I said let them have there fun because they will never have the fun I have with my baby!! I am a single mom and his father couldnt except the change that I wanted to be ,I am still the same person just your priorities change and they have too, so there are friends out there that feel the way you do and are not petty they are real!! keep on keepin on!!!

my heart melts everytime my little one calls me mama, he is my bestfriend!!

[lucyindisguise]

Bandaide, there is nothing wrong with you or with your friends, you have just moved into a new phase of your life. This kind of thing happens all the time and it's important to realize that some people will be at your side forever and some will just be there when you need them. My hubby and I were the first in our crowd to start having kids (after 8 years of "Saturdays") and all of a sudden we had to be the adults, but that was ok. And yes, we did meet some new friends and that was good too.
Well, my youngest turned 21 last year, both are out on their own and they are really great people, and guess what? It's saturday again (is this what they call a second childhood?), and now I have a new bunch of people that I hang with. They say the only things certain in life are death and taxes, but I think change should be on the list too. It's all part of life and it's all good if you let it be, now I'm looking forward to grandkids
I wish you all kinds of luck with your new family

[flowerz]

Hi Bandaide
Remember me? I use to go by the name Starbright. Im really sorry ur going thru all this. I hardly know u, but what i do know (from ur my space web) Ur awsome! Dont let all the negativity get u down. May Peace and love follow you!


P.s. Im currently working on my own my space :)

[BandAide]

Hi Flowerz,

What is your profile name on myspace? You should add me to your friends list. It's my favorite internet site. I've met so many wonderful people there.

I guess I'll advertise myspace.com here.

For those of you who don't already have myspace accounts, you should get one at www.myspace.com

It's a completely free community of people. You can find so many interesting folks who are all over the world or right in your own back yard. You can also keep several photos of yourself on your profile and a blog that is public for anyone to read.

You can take a peek at my profile by clicking the following link:

http://profiles.myspace.com/users/7342093

I hope to see you all there.

For those of you already have accounts, add me as your friend!

peace

[flowerz]

http://profiles.myspace.com/users/12515351
Its alittle bare Im just gettin started.



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