New Poem!

[BandAide]

So, I just wrote this. Peacefrog generally seems to like it when I post my poems, so this is specifically for him!

peace.


Pretty soon you’ll begin walking and I’ll have to teach you how to cross the street.
Pretty soon you’ll begin talking and I’ll have to teach you about bigotry and racism.
Pretty soon you’ll be starting school and I’ll have to teach you about germs and friends.
Pretty soon you’ll be getting phone calls and I’ll have to teach you about eating disorders and drugs.

Girls get raped.
It’s common.
It’s typical.
More and more these days.
In America.

Pretty soon I’ll have to teach you how to use your house key as a weapon-
When you are walking to the school or from the park-
I’ll have to teach you, daughter,
What his mother will never have to teach him.
I will have to teach you, daughter.

Pretty soon you’ll meet a little girl who is too old inside her body.
And I will have to teach you about self-esteem
Because she will always be someone
Some one
In the perpetual process of stealing.
There will always be someone
Somewhere
Trying to get near it.
To deteriorate it.
To berate.
To make you shrink inside your skin.
With a smile on her face.
Daughter.
I will have to teach you,
What his mother will never have to teach him.
I will have to teach you daughter.

Pretty soon you’ll be aware
That you have to work harder to be noticed.
You will have to speak louder
You will have to be smarter
And I will have to teach you about competition
I will have to teach to be ruthless
At the age of three, maybe.
By the age of three, maybe, I will have to teach you what his mother will never have to teach him.
Daughter, I will have to teach you.

I will have to teach you how to be dismissive of teachers,
Who are statistically dismissive of girls.
And I will have to teach you about image-
I will have to teach you about the myth of virgin and the whore.
Daughter,
I will have to teach you
What his mother will never have to teach him.
I will have to teach you, what his mother will never have to teach him.

Pretty soon I will have to teach you how not to be a nice girl.
I will have to teach you to never be a mean girl.
I will have to teach you to laugh
And I will have to teach you to cry
And I will have to teach you to contemplate
Things that his mother will never have to teach him.
Things that his mother will never have to teach him,
Daughter.
By the age of three, maybe,
You’ll know what he will never know.
By the age of three maybe, you will know what he will not know until he has a daughter of his own.
What he will never have to learn, out of necessity.
By the age of three, maybe.
I will have to teach you daughter,
How to survive as a woman in our country.

[orchid]

BandAide,

You are so talented. This poem really resonates with me.

Beautiful.
Sad.
True.

Thank you,

O

[mountain_mama]

BandAide, you speak so clearly of all the worries a mother has with her daughters. It has been a struggle to raise a confident girl in todays society. I also have conflicting fears and issues on how to raise my son to love women, respect them and not grow up to be macho and sexist.

Bravo, for your strong voice!

[delta9]

That is great and rung very true with what little I know of girl-children and the things we fear for them... Cathartic it is :)

[Sunnydaydreams]

that is so well written & resonated w/ me. i really enjoyed reading it. hopefully, things will be different for our granddaughters.

Peace & Love

[theREALsun]

what is weird is that i have been feeling strange today...
blue somewhat (awful the way work can affect you)...
as i was walking to the computer i was thinking maybe there will be something inspiring (for a split sec i was like maybe bandaide has posted something new)

i love it!!!! i needed to hear something like that today
you can feel that you want to teach her the right ways to live life,
you have this power as a mother
to mold and shape your child
and it sounds exciting
but frightening
but EMPOWERING

thanks, BandAide.
:D

[LIBRA]

awesome Bandaide, I love it !! it is so true every word, I worry about the same thing as mointain mama, how to raise my son to be a loving and caring person to all creatures especially women, I think he will be though he's already very sensitve towards lots of things in a good way though!
anyway that was my favorite poem you graced us with!! thanks and I am sure peacfrog will love it!!!

[Pedata]

BandAide...

Wow, you just spell the truth out in such a way! Everything you said is true. It's a hard life for girls. I know it's better than it used to be, but we still have a long way to go.

Peace,
Cassandra

[BandAide]

Whoa! Thanks for all of this positive feedback!

And, REALsun, I'm totally flattered. I find your posts very inspiring as well. I think that if you and I were to meet in the REALworld, we'd be friends.

I just ordered the Poet's Market today and I'm going to try to have a collection of feminine identity poetry published. I've always said I wanted to do it, but there's just been something that's stopping me.

Now, with a new baby on the way, I know that I have more time now than I will for the rest of my life. So, I'd better use it to my advantage. I've got six months. I could do a lot in six months. I could make a few dreams come true. And if I can't, than I can try really hard.

If anyone has any hints on how to publish, let me know.

Or, if anyone has any experience with query letters, I need all the help I can get. They scare the pants off me.

[jtr]

That is incredible!! I hope you don't mind this... I've copy/pasted it and plan to send it to my brother in law. He has two girls... a one year old and a three year old. I think he can find some guidance, and inspiration from this. I know I have.

Bless you, your children, and every woman in this world!

[treehugger]

This is a very nice poem that resonated with me as well. Soooo sad too....I used to think I expressed myself well. I still do think I express myself pretty well but, you, and REALsun...and others I may have missed...have made me feel pretty humble. ;)

[nappydread]

Very beautiful. I love how you weave the perfect words together in such a structured manner. Im not really sadened by it...it kind of gives me hope:) Ive said this before...but for every teacher, there is a learner...and it always flip-flops once in a while between the two... You will learn from her as she has from you:)

peace

[tooter_mcgee]

i have a beautiful three year old little sister. i read this poem to my mother and it brought tears to her eyes, thinking of my little sis, but also reminiscing when i was young. i just thought you'd like to know that your poem not only touched me, but my mother, the mother of a beautiful, innocent child that i can only hope makes her way through this world without encountering too much of society's ugly side.

[PEACE FROG]

Absolutely beautiful, Thank you so much for sharing that. Your words touched me, and made me get misty. You are so talented, I hope that you share your gift with the world, but for now, on this board youre not the only "Lady with a Fan". :D

[theREALsun]

I think that if you and I were to meet in the REALworld, we'd be friends.

i think you are right :D

(just a random quote that just popped into my head "when and where does this REALworld begin?"-Almost Famous)


I just ordered the Poet's Market today and I'm going to try to have a collection of feminine identity poetry published. I've always said I wanted to do it, but there's just been something that's stopping me.

that is amazing.... i have no doubt in my mind that you will be great!

so nothing is stopping you now!
i sometimes feel that same way..... and you don't even know why....
but....
you should take what you have to say
and SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!!! :)

i unfortunately have no tips or ideas for publishing
but i am going to start to check some out, so hopefully we can help each other!!
peace :D

[mountain_mama]

BandAide and RealSun,

I think it is so awesome you two are checking out publishing. :cool: I have always wanted to publish but I don't feel that I am ready yet. I have a story that I am working on so maybe when that is done ....
I think I will look into publishining also and I will share whatever info I dig up but I would love it if ya kept me posted on your findings!

[Strawberry]

Our daughters, BandAide, are practically the same age. Two or three days apart. You verbalized my exact feelings every time I look into her eyes. Sometimes, I cry I night. I cry for her thinking of all the bad things that will come her way and how I may not be the best mother to prepare her. I hope I am. You see, I was raped. Not once, but twice in my lifetime. I also had an abusive boyfriend. (Sorry, this isn't my sob story...) I think back on these things and pray so hard that my little girl will NEVER have to face those things. Will never have to feel like it's wrong that she was born a beautiful, talented, intelligent woman. Her innocent eyes touch me so much. If I had one wish, it would be that the world would be good enough for her to keep that innocence. To keep that pure joy she has. I know that I too will have to teach her. Teach her hard things and things that so often she will reply with "Why?". "Why are women raped?" "Why are women beaten down when they are successful?" "Why am I a woman?" and all I will be able to do is answer the last one.. "So you can change it."... I am so happy to see such beautiful words. I know that you, like my daughter, like your daughter, like me, like every woman, can change it. Peace and love, BandAide.. you are one of the strong ones.

(Sorry if there are typos.. I am typing with one contact in as I have the flu... :( )

[BandAide]

Oh Dear Autumn. That just about made me cry.

Here is a letter I wrote to Bunny, I bet you'll be able to relate to it.

When is Rosie's exact birthday again? I know we originally had the same due date, but then yours got moved up and I went over... so...

Dear Bunny,

At ten months old you’ve proven to me that I have very little to do with who you are as a person. You are very much like a thirty-year-old woman in so many ways that I’m not able to comprehend. I need not take pride in your intelligence, your peaceful disposition or your evidently generous spirit. These attributes are yours and you deserve full credit for there cultivation.

As your mother, I can only teach you values and hope that you will choose to utilize these values and treat them as standards to follow throughout your life. I can emphasize what is important to me and that which I have benefited from and hope you make them applicable to your experiences. Should you reject these things and find your own path, I can only love and accept you for having the will and the independence to dance in accordance to your own beat. I can choose to support you no matter your choices and help you when mistakes have been made and reward your successes.

As your mother, I can only love and encourage you. And I can promise that my encouragement will be steadfast and constant. I will believe in you. And when you struggle, I will try to guide you. And if you reject my direction, I will listen to your hopes, ideas, ideals and goals and I will help you achieve them.

As your mother, I will keep an open mind. I will swallow my fear of danger. I will allow your little spirit to mature and I will not be angry when you defy me. I will allow you the freedom to become who you will be and I will trust that you will find yourself. And you will find yourself with flaws and you will find yourself with struggles and you will have broken hearts and bad grades and you will break rules and do the things that seem dumb to adults but are so much fun for children. And I will cheer you up and I will create a place of structure, but one where you still have room to dance.

You are already a good person. You are already a person rich in character. At ten months old, I already admire you.

And I will emphasize that you are capable of anything and I will do everything within my power to make your dreams accessible. I will dedicate my life to your happiness and to your success.

I hope that you will live by a standard that focuses strongly on equality and I hope that you will never allow anyone to dismiss you, make you silent or demean you.

I hope that you will make yourself heard.

I hope that you will be assertive.

I hope that you will have a good relationship with your body and treat it well.

I hope that you will work with your strengths and accept your weaknesses.

I hope that you will not put undue pressure on yourself to achieve perfection.

I hope that you will demand to be respected by everyone you encounter.

I hope that you will be able to stand up for yourself.

I hope that you will be kind in the face of kindness and cool in the face of adversity.

I hope that you will be able to see what is important and treat it as such.

I hope that you will be able to relax and brush off what is not meaningful.

I hope that you have the strength to be honest, even when honesty is difficult.

I hope that you value your own feelings above the feelings of others, while still respecting theirs.

I hope that you are able to be self validated.

I hope that you will be able to ask for help.

I hope that you are able to discern who should be trusted and who should be regarded as insincere.

And should you be none of these things, I will love you with no boundaries and I will believe in you with all the depth in my heart for all of my life.

Love,

Mama

[gratefulgirl]

Hey Bandaid, thats an awsome poem. I just wanted to let you know, if you dont already know, that ANI D and todd will be on Jay Leno tomarrow night. :o

[BandAide]

It's times like this that I wish I hadn't done away with my tv!

You'll have to let me know how she was and what she sang. With any luck she'll sing Studying Stones.

My husband and I are going to see her on April 27th. We've got pretty good seats too!

Hooray!

[LIBRA]

my best friend has a 9 month old girl and I had her read your poem and letter to your daughter and she loved it, she had tears running down her cheeks!!
she stopped into my work and Im like you gotta read this I knew she'd love it!! good luck with publishing your work I think with your words you can make a huge difference,and go far and show your daughter and all daughters who dont have awesome moms why is great to be a women!!! good luck!!
and strawberry, I dont know you and Im sure you dont want or need it but I am really sorry for what happened to you, what doesnt kill us makes us stronger!!

[delta9]

Wow, that letter, BandAide... Where did you get the idea to do that? I think I may want to write letters to my children throughout their growing up to give to them when they are ready, it just seems so sweet and... I dunno, no one ever did anything like that for me - you're such a sweet and caring mother! *hug*

I'm sure your children will turn out most wonderfully - they usually do, in spite of their parent's best efforts to hold them back (in their eyes) ^_^

I think if you continue the letters for years she will see later in life your side much more clearly :)

[BandAide]

Thanks Delta!

Here's something that I also feel pretty proud of. Jay and I have kept a journal of Bunny's life since she was two months old. Every day one of us writes a sentence or two about her day. Be it something new she did or just somewhere we went or a reaction she had. Day by day it's pretty boring, but as a whole, it's shaping into something really neat. I hope to be able to keep it up for years to come, though even just to have the first year of her life might be fine.

Being a mom is my career. So many people don't think of it that way, but it really is. I guess I just feel like I owe her so much for making her in the first place. As teenagers tell their parents on a daily basis, "I didn't ask to be born." And it's true!

[gratefulgirl]

Aww, no tv. Well thats ok, tv's suck the majority of the time. I love that song Studying stones. She could very well play knuckle down, or maybe lagtime. I dunno, but I will let you know how it was! You get to see her live though, uhh no fair.

[Strawberry]

Rosie's birthday is April 8th. (she's already ten months old!! *gasp*) That letter to your Bunny is beautiful, again, like your poem. Writing is definately your forte.. (spelling? :confused: ) But I too have written letters to my daughter.. just at random times in her life. I love the journal idea as well.. maybe for our next.. :) I just know that you will be a wonderful mother. And yes, raising children is a career. It's scary how it changes our lives but also wonderful. I love biology. I always wanted to do field work and possibly even work in a zoo. But now, as I am growing closer and closer to Rosie by the day, I'm almost considering teaching high school bio. :eek: I NEVER would've considered that if I hadn't had her.. but the hours and holidays with her are almost too much to pass up. But anyway, back on subject. Bunny is lucky to have a mother like you, as is your little bundle on the way. You reallyhave given me inspiration as a mother since we met almost (or just over) a year ago. From pregnancy till their adulthood, I'm glad to have you on my side as a friend and mentor. Hope we can remain that way. And hey, when we travel, maybe we'll pass by NJ and the little munchkins can meet!! Oh, and Libra, thanks. I've made peace with it now. I'm actually starting a local highschool tour to tell young girls about the dangers that lie in their back yard. Maybe coming from a young, local woman it'll open their eyes. I'm also trying to start a pettition for local high schools to offer self defense as a PE credit so it can be free and readily available to our young women. But enough about me.. :) Anna, keep up the beautiful writing.. I know we'll all be reading!

[calico_skies]

I'm afraid my thoughts may not be as well received as some of the other posts, but I feel compelled to respond to this.
Although I respect your artistic expression I have to admit I found this poem rather unsettling on many levels.

First, I have to address the words you chose to describe rape. "Common" and "Typical" just seem to trivialize what a horrific act rape is. And to insinuate that rape is something only women can experience is completely ignorant. I believe rape is not only a physical act but also an emotional one, something boys (men) can also be subjected to.

I was also bothered by the line "What his mother will never have to teach him". Do you honestly believe that a mother will not have to address nor teach her son about positive self image? Or how to respect himself, let alone others? How not to be mean or cruel and yet not be taken advantage of?

It seems to me that you are forgetting about all of the strong women who have little boys who work hard at teaching their sons to love, respect, and encourage women. But the street runs both ways.

Of course I know of the trials that women face in life, because I am a woman. But I believe that it is difficult to be a parent, and that we should strive not to genderalize the hardships of parenthood and all of its responsibilities.

[BandAide]

Hey Calico!

Actually, I genuinely appreciate that. I didn't post this (nor any other poem) to fluff my own ego.

Please do not mistake one poem for something someone is trying to pass off as truth. If I could capture every single perspective in a poem, I'd be a genius. And I'm not. I'm just an ordinary girl.

I believe that the experience of being a man differs from that of being a woman. As an American mother, I write my poetry from a certain perspective. I am writing as the mother of a little girl. I can not write from teh perspective of a mother who has a son, because that is not my experience. Just because I haven't had ALL experiences doesn't make those I have had less valid. It doesn't mean that I do not acknowledge others. So please refrain from personalizing and namecalling (words like "ignorant" are personal.)

Poetry is an artistic expression meant to move. If it does so positively, well then "hooray." If it does so negatively, well then "hooray" as well. I just want to make people think about what I'm thinking of the moment I write it.

My agenda goes no further than that.

ps

When one in every four women in America is raped (those only being the reported cases) I'd say it's pretty common. It needs to start being something that people can talk about openly because it is typical to being a woman. The statistic is much lower in male rape percentages. The threat is still predominantly female.

[delta9]

I was wondering if I should field it myself :)

I would add to BandAide's statement, as well:

Do you honestly believe that a mother will not have to address nor teach her son about positive self image? Or how to respect himself, let alone others? How not to be mean or cruel and yet not be taken advantage of?
As she said, she is writing about her experience; it is obvious (to me) that she is writing about her fears... She doesn't necessarily believe that these boys will not be taught right from wrong, or what have you - she fears it. That is, of course, my interpretation, but I don't think of it as dumping on mothers of boys, just as letting out her fears, vocalizing, and thus dealing with them in a cathartic manner.

[Pedata]

Hey BandAide,

This is good practice. When you start becoming a well known writer the critics will come crawling out of the woodwork. Don't explain yourself, save it all for your autobiography ;) You should save that post, it's your first critic.

Peace,
Cassandra

[nappydread]

yeah...i agree with Pedata...just consider it a "peer review" ...along with all the others:)

peace

[calico_skies]

So now I have become a critic crawling out of the woodwork because I have a different view and feeling about a poem. Because I did not write to say how much I loved the poem it is to be considered a "peer review" and not a valid opinion, simply because the opinion is not of the majority. I find that very interesting.

Delta, I never once said she was dumping on mothers of boys. I understand that she is writing about her fears, however, the line "What his mother will never have to teach him" does imply that these are issues a mother of a son will not have to address. Never is a very strong word.

BandAide,
As I stated once before: I respect your artistic expression. I never said that you are ignorant, I said that insinuating that only women can be raped is ignorant, nor did I say that your experiences are less valid. Granted the percentage of male rape is lower but remember that those numbers too are only the ones reported.

Really all I wanted you to know is that mothers who have sons also fear the same issues. Fear is a parental thing whether your child is a girl or boy. Just as some of the other posters did I too had some other moms of baby boys read your poem and they all had the same reaction (they too found it unsettling). I just wanted you to know how your poem affected a few other moms. I don't think that the fact that I didn't exactly care for the poem is a bad thing. I am not attacking you personally. After all, like you said, poetry is meant to move whether good or bad.

I, like you, love my child more than life itself. I have always enjoyed discussing the progress of our little ones and hope that will still happen from time to time.....

[BandAide]

Hey Calico,

This is no big deal. Seriously.

Poetry is meant to move and unsettle. This was not a warm and fuzzy poem. But, I think it is powerful. I'm not saying that I'm not misguided. I might very well be. And that might be a new poem in the future.

I DO believe that when you teach women about self esteem it is different than teaching men. It is done differently. And that's really what my poem is about. I was sitting around thinking about how it seems girls are growing up so much quicker than boys are and wondering why... and out came a poem.

In six months I might be the mother to a boy and I might better understand that role. I did not mean for my poem to demean the role a mother plays in her son's life. As I know you are clearly aware of, I meant for it to define the role I will play in my daughters life.

But all this junk is left up to interpretation.

I don't mind that you didn't like it. I am certain lots of people don't like it. My only hope is that I moved you and made you think... even if to object.

It's all good!

[calico_skies]

I completly agree with you on the fact that girls grow up faster than boys. I think society puts a lot of pressure on little girls.

I talked briefly in another thread of how my 6 year old niece has an issue with her snow pants. She thinks they make her look fat and that really saddens me.

But here also a friends 2 year old son no longer likes the color purple because he was told by another little boy that that is a girls color.

Maybe disliking a color is trivial but it shows the kind of pressure that is put upon our children to fit in at such an early age.....
I don't have any answers on how it can be stopped but I do know I will start at home.

And BandAide.....I hope you do have a son, as I one day hope to have a daughter.

[delta9]

Delta, I never once said she was dumping on mothers of boys. I understand that she is writing about her fears, however, the line "What his mother will never have to teach him" does imply that these are issues a mother of a son will not have to address. Never is a very strong word.
Someone great, who I hope won't mind me quoting them, once said, "that is someone else's poem to write". Peace :)

[Pedata]

Someone great, who I hope won't mind me quoting them, once said, "that is someone else's poem to write". Peace :)
That's what I was thinking. Only not in those words.

The poem is good because it exists on more than one level.

It speaks of the fine line that women have to walk.

It also speaks of the double standard.

It speaks about how things are difficult for girls today, but it also could have been written 40 years ago and would still make a true point.

Those are things that Mothers don't have to teach their sons how to cope with.

Peace,
Cassandra

[BandAide]

I think that what Calico is responding strongly to is the word "never," but when I wrote it, the phrase "have to" is what I would emphasize. And, there are a whole bunch of things that I do not "have to" teach my daughter about because she's a girl. For instance, I don't have to make her weary of the team mentality that boys are so often marginalized with and have used against them. I can and I will teach her about such things, but they do not create a constant threat to her, and so it is not necessary.

I think it's interesting that the women who read this, especially those with daughters or young sisters had a strong positive reaction, while Calico says that the mom's of sons she read it to reacted adversely. I am going to accept that as a validation of the idea that we DO have very different experiences as mothers. And this poem may very well just be inaccessible to someone who does not have a daughter.

It reminds me of this essay I once read in a gender studies class I took. I beleive it was titled, "Why Black and White Women Can't Really Be Friends." And it was about how though black and white women in America both share this experience of being female, it does not bond us because our experiences as women are so dramatically different that we are unable to truly identify with one another. It's sort of the same thing, really.

Oh, and Delta... very clever!

[Strawberry]

I actually had this discussion with my mother. I told her about the poem and she reacted a bit strong. See, I have a brother. My brother was jumped in the school halls during his hich school career. Why? Simply because he didn't fit in. So from her point of view, boys have just as much adversity to over come as women. But if there is anyone I am going to really listen to, it is my J. He has three other children apart from our Rosie. Two sons and a girl. Though he does not have close contact with his first son, his other two are still a large part of his life. From my outside view, his daughter is having a harder time. A harder time dealing with a new school, new friends, boys, his parents being seperated and just plain dealing with life. Yes, there is an age difference, but not one that could explain their different reactions. And yes, while men are raped and even in abusive relationships, women are much more highly made into victims. And still, today, while driving into class, I see billboards saying "How would you like to make 25% less then the man next to you doing the same job? Now you know what it feels like to be a woman." This is sad that it's on a public billboard because it means that there are people out there who are not still aware of this fact. And it is widely known that when an abusive man has a children, his son has a large chance of being just as abusive while his daughter will just fall into a relationship that is abusive. Boys have men as role models. Yes, a mother is a large influence, but boys will still try to follow in the leading males life steps. As a mother to a daughter, there are many things we must prepare them for that we do not have to prepare little boys for. We still have to prepare our little boys, but we must do it differently. Calico, I think it's important that you brought this up. But again, this about her poem, and unfortunately, not so much about the differences between men and women. That thread would go on for eons. :) All I know is I can't wait to have a son to be able to teatch him how to respect and love. Now all I have to do is convince J for another baby..:)

[delta9]

Oh, and Delta... very clever!
I thought it was a most clever turn of phrase, myself, and most apt in response there :)

[LIBRA]

I am a mother of a son who's favorite color is purple!!! anyway I am still a woman and am a daughter too so I can relate to the poem on that, as far as a mother never teaching her son those things is true raising a boy is different in so many waysbut at the same time very simalar I may have to adress some of those things with my son but I will deal with that when that day comes. anymore women are looked at as objects and if mothers dont teach there daughters at a young age that they are way more then that then it will get worse every generation and mothers of sons have to teach there boys that women are way more then objects too. if my son likes purple or pink or wants long hair, which he does because I do thats all good with me, and if my daughter likes blue and wants short hair more power to her!! anyway my point was I am a mother of a great little boy but I still can relate to the poem in every word!! and we all have to teach our children well, boy or girl!!

[nappydread]

...Because I did not write to say how much I loved the poem it is to be considered a "peer review" and not a valid opinion, simply because the opinion is not of the majority. I find that very interesting...
i think my initial comment was more neutral then you think...In my work, a "peer review" is a collection of Valid Opinions regardless of whether they are majority or minority driven. Furthermore, in many cases these "peer" opinions are anonymous to minimize conflicts and conflicts of interest. This particular thread is a collection of "Valid Opinions" put forth by anonymous people:)

I tend to agree with the author here, when she says that the target audience for this poem was a mother/daughter relationship. And b/c this is the target, I wouldn't automatically assume that other relationships are some how "less" important.

peace