Joke thread

[forrest]

1. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".



2. The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[forrest]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[PEACE FROG]

A blonde woman driving down the street and spots another blonde woman rowing a boat in the middle of a vacant lot.
The first blonde stops the car, gets out and shouts," what the hell are you doing"?
The blonde rowing the boat says," enjoying a day on my boat".
The first blonde screams at her," you idiot, you give blondes a bad name, no wonder everyone makes fun of us. If I could swim, I'd come over there and slap you upside the head"!:D

[LIBRA]

Whats a pilgrams favorite kind of music?



Pilgram Rock :D


I know its cheesy, its all I got!!! LOL I am horrible at remembering jokes!

[Adam Blanchard]

2 blondes and a brunette are hanging out, the 2 blondes walk in to a bar, the brunette ducks.

I know alot of jokes but they are either highly perverted, racist, and/or morbid, espceially my favorite jokes... dead baby jokes but I will refrain from posting any of those. :D

[CowboyHippy]

Whats a pilgrams favorite kind of music?



Pilgram Rock :D


I know its cheesy, its all I got!!! LOL I am horrible at remembering jokes!

Plymouth rock?

[LIBRA]

OMG that is sooo typical I sware I can mess up the easiest of jokes LOL

Ya, thats the punch line, thanks for pointing that out cowboy :D

I cant believe I did that and didnt even notice LOL this cracks me up!

[unclejoe]

....have you heard the one
about the Polish kamikaze pilot
who flew twenty three
successful missions....?

[Adam Blanchard]

hear about the goth that likes the taste of blood that joined a hippy forum?

[PEACE FROG]

OKAY. Denise is visiting this secluded mountain community in Pennsylvania and stops at a tavern to have a beer
From the corner of the room Denise hears a man shout out NUMBER 23 and the room explodes in laughter. Soon a woman's voice shouts NUMBER TEN with the same result.
Denise is unclear about what is happening or what is so darn funny so she asks the bar keep. He says," Oh, we've been listening to the same jokes for so many years to save time we just gave 'em numbers.
Right about then a man sitting at te bar stands up and says," NUMBER 17!!!"
The entire place erupts in laughter
Denise not wanting to miss out on the fun, takes a swigg off her beer and calls out "ELEVEN"!
The room goes silent.
She tries again, "ELEVEN"!
You could hear a pin drop.
She looks to the Bar keep," What? What? What did I say?"
With a rumpled brow the bar keep musters a smile and says" That's alright ma'am some folks just can't tell a joke."

[forrest]

A mom, a dad and a 5-year old kid go to a nudist beach. the kid runs up to his mom and asks her, "mommy, mommy, why do all the girls have bigger boobs than you?" his mother tells him, "the bigger they are, the sillier they are." he runs up to his dad and asks, "why do all the guys have longer things than you?" his dad says, "the longer they are, the dumber they are." the kid then runs up to his mom and says,"daddy is talking to the SILLIEST girl, and the more he sees her, the dumber he gets."

[forrest]

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

[LIBRA]

Good one Ed!!!! Verry funny, ha ha ha...... (those are sarcastic ha ha ha's) :D

[forrest]

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[forrest]

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

[forrest]

The Church Gossiper


Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home.. And left it there all night.



You Gotta love George...

[forrest]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us in the car.''

[Crochety Carpenter]

Love it Forrest!

[forrest]

Love it Forrest!

Don't press it Brother, the elite will ban me again! :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5znh58WITU8

[unclejoe]

Yaye, George.
:cheers:

[forrest]

1. A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

======================================
2. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,


* Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.


* Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.


* Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.


* Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.


* Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

3. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[LIBRA]

Don't press it Brother, the elite will ban me again! :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5znh58WITU8


:bawl: awwww poor forrest, so innocent and wronged. Woe is me :D

[forrest]

:bawl: awwww poor forrest, so innocent and wronged. Woe is me :D

It's not forrest anymore, it's "ignorant asshole" get it "right" :D

[LIBRA]

hey, if the shoe fits wear it ;)

[forrest]

hey, if the shoe fits wear it ;)

I really think that "runny puppy shit for brains" is more becoming, I can relate to that better! :D
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/becoming

[forrest]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

------------------------------------

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

------------------------------


Why do ducks have webbed feet?


To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?


To stamp out burning ducks

[Jennyjenkins]

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Its gonna take awhile for me to get hard....I just got laid last night...

:p

[Adam Blanchard]

Bedroom Golf

* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.

* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.

* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

[Adam Blanchard]

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
... Uphill...
BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter, with a pen!

...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only m-net And there was no on screen menu and no remote control!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled
Little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

If we wanted Popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
And shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

[Crochety Carpenter]

Adam,

That's great!

[forrest]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

[Adam Blanchard]

Adam,

That's great!

Ty, Ty. I got that in an email and just HAD to share, especially the second one. lmao

[forrest]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2491LucLa1g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNfIih_4PIU

[forrest]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[forrest]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhQi1eHB2m0