a dead nightlife

[kyle]

this is something i wrote last month. feel free to share your opinions, advice, ect, ect. i am always interested to hear what otheres have to say. :)

a dead nightlife

it's 1a.m. and this city is dead asleep. cold winter breezes fill the empty sidewalks as the leafs scatter all over this hard cement. bodies are resting in their warm and peacefull home burried alive in there warm and comforting blankets with the heater going. as there minds race through a dream of something spectacular happening to them i refuse to close my eye's. id rather stay under this street lamp all night and watch leafs get blown away by this numbing breeze then close my eyes in fear of having another dream i only wish would come true. i want to sit here all night and talk to the air that is all around me. ill tell it a story of bitter/sweet love and maybe a few jokes to lighten up this harsh mood. i torture only myself by sitting in this exact same spot where you murdered me one year and three months ago this day. no matter how hard this breeze becomes it will never blow away the blood stains or the haunting memories i am left with. you gave me a heart i wish i could return. this thing burns more then you could ever fucking imagine. this is the moment when i wish you would find me here on this sidewalk soaking up a completely void nightlife. there would be nobody around to watch me take the knifes out of my heart and thrust them deep into your stomach (you don't have a heart to puncture. remember? you gave it way in fear because you don't want to feel) and watch your blood spill onto my lonesome sidewalk. i am only a wishful thinker who always hopes for more then i deserve....echo's are surrounding this street. screams of another broken heart approach from a far. eventually this broken heart will arrive under my street lamp i sit under and she will be my cure for a new start and i can be her cure for a something new. it's 1a.m. and this city is dead asleep. her and i will stay here and watch the cold winter breezes fill the sidewalks and scatter the leafs all around this town without a care in the world. i once heard when you can share an unawkward silence with her it is love....this is love...watching a dead nightlife is what we live for, me and her.

[PEACE FROG]

How old are you Kyle? I think you write well little brother. Haunting images. Good job. One thing though... Your use of the "F" word......people use that in writing when its the only word that works for what they wana say. Other wise its just potty-mouth and takes away from being...uh... legitimate? Just my opinion, you did ask. ;) Got any more? :) Peace

[BandAide]

I like your style of writing as well. It flows really nicely and is packed with emotion!

I agree with PF about your use of "fucking" as an adjective. I'm a big fan of the word, but only when it works and it just doesn't do anything for your piece. Even the sound of it paired with the word "imagine" doesn't work well. The sentence would actually be more powerful without the word. Also, is there a creative reason you're using "leafs" instead of "leaves?" To be honest, I like the word "leafs" better, but I can't tell if you're being creative or if you're just misspelling something... which is generally the first sign that a convention isn't working. My only other criticism is that it bothers me when anyone who is not ee cummings fails to capitolize in compliance with the traditional rules of the English language. That being said, I know that it's wildly popular to write in all lowercase letters.

[kyle]

Thanks for the comments guys!

Peace Frog, I turned 18 just under two months ago.

Yes, I understand what you mean BandAide about the lowcase writing. Most of the time when I write I am in some sort of pissed off, angry, sad mood so I just start going and I forget all about grammer and what not. I need to stop that. Haha, it's become a bad habit that I need to work on. But thank you guys for your comments, I do appreciate it alot and I will share some more stuff later.

:)

[delta9]

s/grammer/grammar

:)