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kyle
02-22-2005, 09:34 PM
I wrote this a few weeks ago. I think that this is by far the best thing I have written, in my opinion. Haha. Please feel free to comment and share any thoughts on this! I appreciate it! :)

A Country Club Murder


i wan't to take a knife to your face and watch the blood get smeared all over these plain white walls as this cold and bitter winter chill runs through your window ceal numbing our actions almost completely. as the police walk down your hallway, they notice the trail of blood that leads them to a hollow body torn to pieces. this was a savage murder and the walls tell it all. this is what i will become famous for and what everybody will know me by. up on the walls, i dipped my fingers in your blood and wrote, "this murder was the cause of a fatal love." doors slam all over this house as the police try to keep up. i have become a ghost in your house, the house where you lay face first dead. this is horrible. i am choking on my own laughter as i realize what i have just caused. i can already see it now. this is one of thoughs cases where we all become famous over somebodys lost life and it turns into a full feature length movie staring the best of the worst actors and they will misconstrew all the events that took place that cold and bitter night and it will follow none of the real dialogue yet will win a few oscars. i am sorry to say this was not a movie, this was real life and hollywood doesn't seem to understand that. the newspapers get alhold of a murder that was nothing short of horrific and the readers will think it was more then vivid. your body, all of this blood drenched down the hallways, your just left for dead. the house is evacuated for days as it becomes overwhelmed in a void. just for fun i come back to the scene of the crime and wander around to look at the havick i reek upon a shallow person. the sent of a rotting body, the dried up blood on the carpet, walls, and family portraits is just a simple reminder of a job well done...there you lay. quiet as can be, and completely gutless. this is exactly how i pictured it except that i still remember our conversations in this bedroom, i remember so much more then i want to remember. all of these thoughts come rushing back to me and hit me faster then a speeding bus on a freeway. what have i done? what have i created? something that can never be undone as long as i live. i crossed my heart and promised you it all and in return you smashed all i had to give to the ground like it was a a champainge glass. to be honest...i was not amused by your games any longer. if there was a contract to love i promise the world i would have made you sign right on the dotted lines, because a contract is something that cannot be broke. did you hear that or did it go right out one ear and out the other, lover? your the most phicle person i have ever met to date. how the fuck do you even dress yourself in the morning? you can't even make up your own mind on what you want anymore. it's to bad your dead...actually, no, it's not. rest well my lovely one because i don't think you will make it to heaven. after time takes it's toll on me. my criminal actions finally start to weigh themselves on me and the preasure becomes something unbearable anymore. ill take a stroll down through this city and wait for opprotunity to strike and when it does ill just completely hurl myself into on coming traffic and end it all. there! done! gone for life. i have completely vanished from the rest of the entire world. the friends rest well knowing i got what i deserved and the media will make things out to be something they're not like usual. i never wanted the attention from them. i just wanted you to realize what you caused me inside of myself but instead i had to tell a vivid story of a love that turned to nothing but murder and suicide....when he hurled himself into on coming traffic he woke up from this dream and right when she as about to get her life taken she woke up from a deep sleep, both resting in a cold sweat searching with flashlights trying to find their breathes they thanked whoever it may be that it was only a dream, only a dream they both wish would come true. lay to rest the dreams and look forward to something more spectacular. thoughs are the only words of advice they ever agreed one.

PEACE FROG
02-23-2005, 03:37 PM
Do you Kyle......own a trenchcoat? Just kidding. Dark man, really dark and more potty mouth.... Its cool though. I believe that you're capable, of good writing. Open the drapes and let some light in my friend. :)

theREALsun
02-23-2005, 06:59 PM
i just read that while listening to Joan Baez singing Swallow Song....
not on purpose.....
what a strange encounter :confused:

kyle, interesting fer sure.... do you only write in that kind of genre? i started out thinking that this was some sort of a soliliquy of a crazed man standing over his victim on a dark set with a spotlight only on him . your imagery is great, i enjoy some grotesqueness......

:)

LIBRA
02-24-2005, 06:04 AM
hmmm, not sure what to think, alittle dark maybe thats what I am thinkin
dark.

realsun:
oh I love Joan baez Ive met her, she was funny and very nice, she signed a dollar bill for me thats all I had and she liked it cause it was illegal!!

theREALsun
02-24-2005, 06:54 AM
ooooo, libra, im soooo jealous!!
that rocks!! :D

BandAide
02-24-2005, 07:29 AM
Hey,

This is really grande. Sure, it's dark! I tend to like that. You need to clean up the grammatical errors. If you want someone to help you with that, I'm happy to be of service!

Murder stories are difficult to write, as most of us haven't murdered anyone and so all we can do is draw from what we imagine murder must be, feel, smell and taste like. And the way we imagine it is to pull from what we've been told about it through various stories we've heard. They tend to be reused, recycled and cliche.

But, I like the fact that you tell this as a first person account from the killer. That is done less often than not and it is interesting.

You've got something good.

I'd like it if you elaborated a little more. Instead of having a few pages, revise it. You could easily make rounder characters and turn this into 30 pages. This has the potential to be a really great tale!

Good luck!

PEACE FROG
02-24-2005, 09:48 PM
Actually dude, I think that was an appropriate use of the bigF word :D Good job brother( Read it four times)