BandAide's Best Impression of Pedata

[BandAide]

Well, Pedata is onto something.

I am beginning my own little blog to share with all of you.

I'm going to fill it with my most private insecurities and my most embarrassing thoughts.

It's going to make me vulnerable. But, perhaps it will be juicy-soap-opera-stylings to some of you... and that is what art is about.

I feign security and composure here in my every day life. I pretend to be so in tact and so unaffected...

This is Honest time.

[BandAide]

girls love boys who play instruments

Ew.

So, Jay comes home last night and is like, "Oh, Particle Zoo was offered this show out of nowhere today. It's at a place called the Pussycat Club, which is a strip club that has bands play."

I think Jay might be mistaken and it's actually called the Pussycat Lounge, but whatever.

So, I went to the website today... just to see...

And if it's the same place, it had some really pretty girl stripping and flashed, "SEX" DRINKS" and "ROCK AND ROLL" on the screen while she stripped out of a latex nurses outfit and out of her red lace bra and underoos.

So, I was talking to my ex-stripper friend today and telling her about it and she said, "Ohhhhhh... I used to work at a club that had bands. You know how it gets with the groupies and everything. Girls love guys in bands. I guess you've just got to trust your husband."

And the problem is:

I don't trust my husband.

I don't even need to hesitate before writing that or saying it.

My husband damaged the trust I had for him about seven months ago--- indefinately.

I mean, I trust my husband to pick up milk on the way home if he says he will, and to feed the dog when I'm away overnight and not to blow all our money in atlantic city.

I DO NOT trust my husband to be faithful to me.

I'd be an idiot to. And for very good reason.

My husband has lied to me about things of a very sexual nature. Does this make him guilty of some sort of infidelity. Sort of. Does this make him guilty of cheating on me? I don't know. Sadly, where once I would say, "there's no way he'd ever do that..." Now I know that he is willing to lie to me, has lied to me and will probably lie to me in the future and may be lying to me now. So, is he guilty? I just don't know. What I do know for certain, is that he's capable of doing it.

This has bothered me for a very long time. It plagues me. I have nightmares about it regularly.

It's incredible how one little selfish act on his part could damage our relationship irreparibly.

I have had to learn the hard way that when someone hurts you once it is their fault. When someone hurts you twice, it is your fault.

Lesson learned.

[BandAide]

You get fat.

Or, at least *I* do.

I recognize that some women do not get fat. They get little, round, lovely bumps on their bellies somewhere around month 7 and otherwise stay trim and svelt.

Me, I get fat.

My doctor responds to this teary lunatic in her calm "everyone's body responds differently to pregnancy" voice. Tell that to my hormones.

I've been getting fat and thin and fat again constantly for almost two years now.

This does a military job on a once saucy girl's self esteem.

It's hard to feel attractive when you're weight increased every time you bite into an apple.

It's hard to feel anything but haggard and tired and ugly and like a big, huge blob whose waist just keeps on getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

And it's hard not to think about what is going to happen to your hips after this baby is born.

And it's hard to listen to everyone tell you how lucky you are and how all these changes to your body are "worth it," and how this is such a small thing to sacrifice---when you know very well that if these same people had gained and lost 146 pounds in total in 18 months only to face having to gain it and lose it again... they'd be on juice diets.

And it's hard not to eat only carrots and celery.

And you keep on telling yourself that it's for this baby and this baby deserves every fair chance that your daughter got...

When all you really want is a night off.

When all you really want is a bottle of Merlot and a night out with music, drunk and dancing with all your friends.

When all you really want is to feel pretty and desirable and good about yourself again.

When all you really want, just one night, is to NOT be someone's mother.

for just one night.

Because even when you get a night when you can go out...

all you want to do is go home and crawl into bed next to the little lump that kicks you in your belly repeatedly throughout the night and wakes up way to early and body slams you while laughing.

[Pedata]

I'm stunned.....wow.....I would much rather read yours than mine.

Peace,
Cassandra

[kermit]

You get fat.

Or, at least *I* do.

I recognize that some women do not get fat. They get little, round, lovely bumps on their bellies somewhere around month 7 and otherwise stay trim and svelt.

Me, I get fat.

My doctor responds to this teary lunatic in her calm "everyone's body responds differently to pregnancy" voice. Tell that to my hormones.

I've been getting fat and thin and fat again constantly for almost two years now.

This does a military job on a once saucy girl's self esteem.

It's hard to feel attractive when you're weight increased every time you bite into an apple.

It's hard to feel anything but haggard and tired and ugly and like a big, huge blob whose waist just keeps on getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

And it's hard not to think about what is going to happen to your hips after this baby is born.

And it's hard to listen to everyone tell you how lucky you are and how all these changes to your body are "worth it," and how this is such a small thing to sacrifice---when you know very well that if these same people had gained and lost 146 pounds in total in 18 months only to face having to gain it and lose it again... they'd be on juice diets.

And it's hard not to eat only carrots and celery.

And you keep on telling yourself that it's for this baby and this baby deserves every fair chance that your daughter got...

When all you really want is a night off.

When all you really want is a bottle of Merlot and a night out with music, drunk and dancing with all your friends.

When all you really want is to feel pretty and desirable and good about yourself again.

When all you really want, just one night, is to NOT be someone's mother.

for just one night.

Because even when you get a night when you can go out...

all you want to do is go home and crawl into bed next to the little lump that kicks you in your belly repeatedly throughout the night and wakes up way to early and body slams you while laughing.

I wish I had a kid :o

*kemrit hugs bandaid!!!!!

[RockyJay]

And it's hard not to think about what is going to happen to your hips after this baby is born.

First, Pregnant ladies have a glow I find really attractive. :)

I don't know about you, but the only thoughts I can think of is that you will be more curvy, hence you will be more beautiful.

Jennifer Lopez didn't become famous because she could sing... :D

If ya got the hips, strut yer stuff sister! :)

I don't trust my husband.

I don't even need to hesitate before writing that or saying it.

My husband damaged the trust I had for him about seven months ago--- indefinately.

I mean, I trust my husband to pick up milk on the way home if he says he will, and to feed the dog when I'm away overnight and not to blow all our money in atlantic city.

I DO NOT trust my husband to be faithful to me.

I'd be an idiot to. And for very good reason.

My husband has lied to me about things of a very sexual nature. Does this make him guilty of some sort of infidelity. Sort of. Does this make him guilty of cheating on me? I don't know. Sadly, where once I would say, "there's no way he'd ever do that..." Now I know that he is willing to lie to me, has lied to me and will probably lie to me in the future and may be lying to me now. So, is he guilty? I just don't know. What I do know for certain, is that he's capable of doing it.

This has bothered me for a very long time. It plagues me. I have nightmares about it regularly.

It's incredible how one little selfish act on his part could damage our relationship irreparibly.


At first, I felt odd reading, my name is also Jay and I was also in a band. :o

Tell him you feel this way. Communicate. Your trust with him has been damaged (as you said), so it would be his job to prove himself to you.

If he is really going to work there you should make some agreement about his behavior towards the ladies there, employees and customers. I had a similar experience once, the agreement my ex and I about my behavior would be polite to the ladies but whatever I do, I will *never* be alone with any lady, and I won't as much as possible be without my band mates. My ex checked on me at the strangest times thinking I would stray but I didn't and sometimes she got her friends to check on me. Or if you feel so strongly against him working there tell him, you are worth far more than any gig.

[BandAide]

My husbands mother is having dinner with us tonight.

Jay is going to pick my friend Logan up at the Dover station at three. The trains don't run out here on the weekend.

I am making thin breaded chicken breasts, baked with pesto. Steamed asparagus, baked potatoes and for dessert triple chocolate cake. I just made my salad and it has spinich, chick peas, eggs, cucumber, grape tomatoes, buffalo mozzerella, onion, olives, red pepper and more!

I love dinner parties. Even the kind with just a mother in law and a good friend.

I felt really awful because Logan sent me an email yesterday saying that she felt really sad because I promised I'd call her the day before and I hadn't. In reality, my day just got away from me and I never had a moment. By the time I would have had a moment, Ana called and said she'd pop by with baby chloe on her way home from work. And they stayed until bed time.

Bunny and Chloe are so cute as they play together. They sat at the keyboard pounding away.

Because Chloe is a little bit bigger than Bunny, she sometimes is a little bit aggressive with her, but not the other day. The two played and had so much fun.

Bunny cried when she left.

[BandAide]

Jay left to pick Logan up before 2:00 and he still isn't home. It's 4:15.

You'd think he would have called to tell me.

Today I prepared all the food and got it ready to be cooked, so that when our guests are here it wont be messy and I will be able to spend time with them.

Then I cleaned the whole downstairs and washed the floors with murphys oil soap, which always smells like childhood to me.

Then I did the rest of the laundry left over from yesterday.

Then I took a quick shower and put myself together.

And now I'm just sitting around waiting for my husband to get home with my friend Logan, wondering why I feel so distrusting lately.

I am always afraid he's doing something awful. What makes it worse is that when I tell him this he doesn't respond. Then, when his apathy upsets me further he says that "it's just so insulting."

So, he chooses to be insulted by this insecurity, thus making me even less secure.

[tooter_mcgee]

I love reading you're writing especially this thread. You and i share a big insecurity we both have in our relationships... trust. Its so easy for me to empathize with what you're writing. Keep it going please :)

:hippie:
Di

[BandAide]

It was really nice.

In the true form of a mother in law, she brought two extra people and didn't bother to let me know ahead of time. I had made a formal place setting for everyone and had to cram two more onto the table and we didn't have enough chicken really, as I had made enough for each person to have two pieces and some people had more than others... and I had to slyly put two extra baked potatoes in the microwave and then wrap them up in tin foil so they'd seem authentic.

It was wonderful to see Logan. I am going to pick Molly up from her friend Kevin's house in a little while.

Molly moved to Florida with her husband last July. She's not very happy there. She called to ask if we could hang out this weekend and hopped on a plane to New Jersey.

Jay was so nice to me yesterday.

With my booming insecurities it takes more energy to make me feel good.

Jay is always nice to me.

But that has become mundane and inadequate.

I am so shallow.

Of all the actual problems people have, my trust and hormones and insecurities are so trivial. So stupid. I need more attention.

When I get more attention I feel better.

It is because I am getting so fat.

I need validation.

When I don't have validation, extra love, extra attention, I fear he is becoming tired of me.

Bored.

Disgusted.

Falling far from love.

When I do not have 100% I fear that I am repulsive to him.

I told Logan.

She told me it's my hormones because Jay is so sweet and complimentary and stuff.

It may very well be my hormones.

It may very well...

But does that invalidate my actual feelings.

[Herbmama]

girls love boys who play instruments

Ew.

So, Jay comes home last night and is like, "Oh, Particle Zoo was offered this show out of nowhere today. It's at a place called the Pussycat Club, which is a strip club that has bands play."

I think Jay might be mistaken and it's actually called the Pussycat Lounge, but whatever.

So, I went to the website today... just to see...

And if it's the same place, it had some really pretty girl stripping and flashed, "SEX" DRINKS" and "ROCK AND ROLL" on the screen while she stripped out of a latex nurses outfit and out of her red lace bra and underoos.

So, I was talking to my ex-stripper friend today and telling her about it and she said, "Ohhhhhh... I used to work at a club that had bands. You know how it gets with the groupies and everything. Girls love guys in bands. I guess you've just got to trust your husband."

And the problem is:

I don't trust my husband.

I don't even need to hesitate before writing that or saying it.

My husband damaged the trust I had for him about seven months ago--- indefinately.

I mean, I trust my husband to pick up milk on the way home if he says he will, and to feed the dog when I'm away overnight and not to blow all our money in atlantic city.

I DO NOT trust my husband to be faithful to me.

I'd be an idiot to. And for very good reason.

My husband has lied to me about things of a very sexual nature. Does this make him guilty of some sort of infidelity. Sort of. Does this make him guilty of cheating on me? I don't know. Sadly, where once I would say, "there's no way he'd ever do that..." Now I know that he is willing to lie to me, has lied to me and will probably lie to me in the future and may be lying to me now. So, is he guilty? I just don't know. What I do know for certain, is that he's capable of doing it.

This has bothered me for a very long time. It plagues me. I have nightmares about it regularly.

It's incredible how one little selfish act on his part could damage our relationship irreparibly.

I have had to learn the hard way that when someone hurts you once it is their fault. When someone hurts you twice, it is your fault.

Lesson learned.

I understand the quote in your signaute now :(

[BandAide]

Bunny is asleep.

Today, on the telephone, my mom said, "I wonder if Bunny will be a scientist. She really has a tremendous desire to understand the laws of physics."

Again, Bunny is 11 months old.

I laughed my ass off.

Not that my daughter isn't really intelligent. Even the doctor comments on how advanced she is, but... idunno that she's really interested in physics, per say.

My belly is so full.

I ate the best lunch today. I had a spinich salad with tomatoe, red pepper, mushrooms, egg and onion with raspberry vinigerette salad dressing, followed by seadless red grapes for dessert.

When I was pregnant with Bunny, all I wanted to do was eat meat. Steak, chicken, pork chops, ham... and cheese. And potatoes.

This time, it's salad, salad, salad, and fruit and fish and steamed veggies.

I've been skipping the dinner starch... as it's just not appetizing and trying to get my carbs by eating whole wheat tortilla or pita with hummus.

I've been on this kick for about two weeks now and I'm really beginning to think it's helping me feel so good.

I've started to feel much, much better than I had. My energy level is up and my fainting spells are few.

Jay seems eager to get Bunny into her own bed.

I haven't been at all interested in sex.

I think that the lack of physical intimacy on my part has taken a little bit of a tole on our relationship emotionally.

The other night, I was very surprised by how much closer and more comforted I felt after we had sex. It had been so long with Bunny placed strategically inbetween us and me in my flannel pj's that I forgot how nice it is to just have a connection with my husband that has nothing to do with our baby.

I wonder if this is what is really at the heart of my insecurities.

I remember when I felt this way in my pregnancy with Bunny, but it didn't happen until I was about 7 or 8 months pregnant.

It's funny how different everything is now. Well... not funny... but ...

weird. really. weird.

I just want to feel like myself again.

My emotions are so crazy and when confronted about them, I don't have any logical rationalizations...

Sigh...

[Strawberry]

I love you Anna, I really do.... :group_hug

[BandAide]

I love famous people. They're my guilty pleasure.

I read embarrassing magazines that I wouldn't want to be seen with about their personal lives.

Jay recently read an article about this common fixation in a psychology magazine that said that your chemical balances shift when you see beautiful faces and so you want to keep looking at them. Also, people begin to recognize celebrity faces as "friendly" faces. We become naturally interested in hearing about their lives because of minds register them as being our friends and as you never tire of hearing about your friends dramas and scandals, you never tire of hearing about Paris Hilton either. Theoretically. Theoretically. I suppose.

Jay wants me to get a website and begin a professional type blog of commentary about the lives of celebrities because he thinks I have "intelligent, real life reactions" to them and it would be interesting for other people to read, while helpful in furthering my career as a writer. He said that in other professional blogs, most of it is just commentary on what is already public.

Maybe I'll do this.

It would certainly be a fun project if nothing else. I can't think of anything better than doing something productive with my love for famous people.

Logan is often helpful in fueling this because she works with famous people all the time and is able to tell me personal things about them.

She works as a program director for mtv and sits in meetings with Brittney Spears and talks on the telephone with Beonce. Apparently the latter of the two is really very sweet to work with. Neat. Though I'm not particularly interested in either of these people as artists, I am sensationally facinated by their lives. It's an American disease, I think. In order to escape it, you must loathe it (maybe) and I happen to looooovvvvvvvvvve it.

I don't find it upsetting that they have so much money and stardom. Actually, I like it. I bet that they romanticize what it is to have an every day, common life similar to the one I lead. Very few people have such simple lives these days, which is why things like Desperate Housewives (which I've never seen) are so popular.

It is the best to be accomplished and satisfied and the hardest to be on your way or floundering, trying to figure it out. Even just to be settled and content is better than being rich and incontent. That is not to say that all famous people are dissatisfied, but some of them are bound to be... just as some people living lives similar to mine are bound to be dissatisfied.

[BandAide]

I love you Anna, I really do.... :group_hug


I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you getting ready for Rosie's birthday?

[delta9]

I bet you're a fan of VH1's Celebreality? I know I am :D ('cause like they say - it's more interesting when it's famous people)

[BandAide]

We just got a tv last week, so there are a lot of things I havne't seen. I'm not certain if we even get vh1. We only have basic cable... so I'll have to check the situation out. It is better when it's famous people! :o

[BandAide]

I logged into Myspace.com a few minutes ago and as soon as I entered my homepage, I noticed the ever present add that I generally do not notice.

It said, "Wanna Hook a Hottie?" and featured a photograph of an average looking fellow with shaggy hair, no shirt, lean muscles and a surf board. He may have been tall as well, but I couldn't tell because the picture was all about his upper half.

He wasn't attractive at all. He wasn't particularly UNattractive either, but not noteworthy.

And this made me think of Logan, who is attracted to everyone. She might think he was sexy or boyish or strong looking, and any of these characteristics might lead her libido to the feeling is produces when it feels arroused or attracted to someone.

And this makes me think of myself. I can count the number of people I've ever felt attracted to on one hand. I have dated people for years and not been particularly attracted to them physically. One boyfriend, I thought was handsome, but I didn't feel physically drawn to him, and I dated him just because I thought he was "cool." And our relationship ended when I no longer thought he was cool.

When I met Jay Holler, for instance, I had an immediate physical reaction to him. It was notable. I felt flushed and nervous and a little short of breath. He was actually uncomfortable for me to be around, as I was certain he'd be able to see right through my cool facade. Then, when I moved into his house, I would go to great lengths not to be in the same room alone with him. Though I'm not a touchy person, I felt it necessary to hug and touch him frequently, and by this time I realized that he is generally just so oblivious to everything that he'd never feel uncomfortable because of it. I was physically a Jay Holler junkie. And it wasn't that I thought he was so much better looking than lots of other people I saw and didn't feel this way about... I had no control over or explanation for this chemistry.

Later, I would tell myself that I am intuitive and had some sort of subconscious understanding of the relationship to come...

But that's unlikely.

Logan feels that way most of the time and with most of the people she encounters. It's like a superpower or something.

I wish I had been like that, as I would have been able to experience so many things, rather than cringing when I had to have sex with somoene and just enduring it and (literally) watching the minutes pass by on a clock.

[Strawberry]

Of course we're preparing!! It's on April 10th!! I can't wait!! Well, her actual birthday is on the 8th... but yea, it'll be great!!

Ooooh.. and I love Celebreality...I'm slightly obsessed. My man always makes fun of me for watching the Surreal Life... :)

Keep it coming, this is great stuff... and I can really relate!

[BandAide]

Bunny's party is on the 10th as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's from 2-5.

I sent out the invitations last week. I made them too. I was so proud of myself for actually doing it, as I'd had the idea since she was born. I went to the craft store and bought all sorts of textures of fabric, paper and cotton and cut and made little Bunnys with cupcakes and candles! I love them.

[BandAide]

Our insurance debacle is now solved. We are insured drivers once again.

Hoorah.

There's a gentleman who works at the grocery store who always makes me feel uncomfortable. Scary things always happen to me at the grocery store.

Around Christmas time I was walking outside the store and down an isle in the parking lot towards my car. Jay was home with bunny, so I was shopping solo.

A car came speading around the corner and pulled right up to my butt as I hastily tried to get out of the way.

I waved my hand frantically and impatiently (they had almost run me down, after all) for them to go around me,

And boy did they ever go around me...

As they did, the driver (a women) pulled her car up next to me (she had to early teenage looking girls in her car) and said, "I'm trying to tell you I'm sorry and you wave your hands like that at me. Well Fuck You. Fuck You Bitch."

That is one of the scariest things that has happened to me.

She had terrible hair to.

It was the kind that has been processed beyond the point of return and just needs to be whacked off.

I made Jay a chicken pot pie for dinner. He liked it. Sometimes my crust is too flakey and my filling is too buttery... but today I got it just right. It's too bad because I didn't want any. I ate chilean sea bass and asparagus. Yum.

This baby is eating way differently than bunny did.

Nuts.

[delta9]

Maybe it's a boy :o

[Pedata]

No two are alike. At least that's what all my female friends say. Most of them are grandmothers now.

Peace,
Cass

[tooter_mcgee]

I really like this. Its such a great little insight into what our life may be like. I really hope you keep it going :)

:hippie:
Di

[BandAide]

Really Nice Day

I had the fashion show, which I'd been dreading. It was actually a lot of fun.

I, whether learned or by nature, only back out of my commitments if severely ill. I experienced some apprehension and anxiety about this fashion show which only worsened when they fit me for clothing. I wore a little, short mini-jean-skirt and a cream colored shirt with melon flowers and Ugg boots.

I told Jay not to come.

He came anyway. He brought Bunny and my friend Ana.

I told him not to because I was so scared that someone would make fun of me in front of him.

No one made fun of me though.

When they did my make-up they put on too much eye goo. I hate make-up.

After the show, Jay, Bunny, Ana and I had a seriously pleasant and yummy meal at Ruby Tuesday. Any place with a salad bar is good in my books. God, I love salad. After, Jay took Bunny home and Ana and I headed over to Old Navy. My mom gave me her credit card and told me that I could buy something to wear for Easter.

On Easter we are going for brunch at my paren'ts country club. I need to dress appropriately. She actually bought Jay an outfit to wear! If it weren't so funny in a mother-in-law sorta way, I'd think it was terribly rude.

I learned that Old Navy has a great maternity department. Things weren't horribly priced and the sale items were very reasonable. I bought a pair of green pants with a yellow maternity panel, a white blouse with an empire waiste and a tan and white striped jacket that reminds me of miami vice.

After we got home, Ana called and i asked if she, lenny and Chloe would like to come over and watch Supersize Me with Jay, Bunny and I.

They came over. We ordered pizza. I didn't eat any. I wasn't very hungry, and then it came and had sausage all over it.

I think I"m becoming a pregnancy induced vegetarian.

They say to listen to your body, right? Well, my body lurched at the sight of sausage today.

The movie was great... as was the company.

Tomorrow we are going for an egg hunt with Bunny. We're also taking her to lunch again and she'll be able to see a few animals at the petting zoo.


-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Before I forget:

Last night Jay and I went to see the Ring 2.

It is officially the scariest movie I've ever seen.

That's pretty good, considering it's rated pg-13.

What a well made movie.

I am glad I saw it and I never want to see it again.






On March 30th, Andrea, Jay and I are going to see Nellie McCay play in the city. I love Nellie McCay.


Jay's stripper gig is booked for May 28th. I am so going to it. He sent me all the information early because he thinks it will be fun for me to go.

Pullllllllllleasssssssssssssssssse!

My friend Erik wants to go with me because he feels the girls will not expect him to tip or come near him if he's with a huge pregnant lady.
__________________

[BandAide]

We're home from the country club. The egg hunt was inside because (on the first day of spring) it's raining.

It was nice. Jay hates going to the country club, so he didn't talk all the way home. He's in the basement smoking pot right now, trying to get all the hoity-toities out of his head. Bunny is sleeping in her swing. I'm on the computer waiting for Jay to come up stairs. I'd like to watch a movie. There is a lot of cleaning to do in our house today, but I'd rather not. I just want to lay about and watch Netflix.

Ought Oh...

Bunny's up.


I gotta run!

[BandAide]

We went to Tara's house today. I wore one of my fancy new outfits.

Jennifer called me while she was running errands. It's always so nice to speak with her. I really wish I could see her but we have thousands of miles between us and children galore.

There's a person on the forum who's really on my nerves. It seems like everything this person says is ignorant. It seems as though (we'll call this person "he") he is so uneducated and has these really misinformed opinions founded in nothing, yet is stubborn in the face of facts. I don't even try to set him straight, as I've learned it's only a waste of time. You can't educate people who aren't very intelligent.

Is that mean? I mean, is it mean to make character judgements on people based on the cognitive balance of their opinions? Do I have a right to do so? I mean, I make it a point not to respond to his posts because I think he's so distasteful and tactless and frankly... attention seeking. Yes. Attention seeking.

It's so annoying.

[nappydread]

hmm...
...You can't educate people who aren't very intelligent...
...i would take a step back and say...people that don't wanna learn....or people that think they know everything!!!

....hehehe...i prefer the term DAW, desperate attention whore!!!

peace

ps...i think the stripper gig may be fun for ya!!!:D

[BandAide]

Yeah, I think "people who don't want to learn" is a better way to view things. And then I think, "well, who am I to try to shove my reality down someone's throat. We all learn at our own pace, right?"

It's just that some people really rub me the wrong way and debate is useless. Some people are contrary just to disagree. Their agenda is not truth seeking, but rather power seeking. And that's gross to me.

As for the stripper thing: Ha! The whole thing wouldn't bother me if I weren't a pregnant fatso. It would be fun if I could have a few glasses of wine.

I guess what bothers me is my insecure fear that my husband will wish I looked like one of those girls and not like me. I fear he'll be embarrassed that I am the way I am... which at my current state is about 5 months pregnat, + 20 pounds and big bellied.

It doesn't have much to do with Jay though... Idunno.

I'm going and I'll do my best to prevail!

[LIBRA]

I think there is nothing more beautiful then a big preggo belly, no g string topless stripper can even compare to that beauty, ever. but thats me I am not a man but I still think pregnant women are beautifull!!!!
so shine on at that stripper gig, you'll be the hottest one there!!!!!

[BandAide]

Scary morning.

So, I'm sitting in my blue chair this morning at 8:30, eating a bowl of granola cereal while Bunny ate a bowl of blueberries on the floor in front of me, when I hear the sounds of an animal's nails clawing down the pipe of my wood burning stove. Then, the sound stopped and turned into an angry squeak and clawing from within the stove itself. (note- the stove was off due to the lovely weather we've started having.)

I don't know what made me so scared, but I took Bunny and Sidney and ran upstairs to call Jay to find out what I should do. He told me that I needed to go back downstairs and make sure the stove was shut and locked. Then he told me it was probably just ice. Phhhhhh... ice doesn't squeak and try to get loose!

So, I mustered up all my courage and went back downstairs while and outraged Bunny screamed behind her baby gate at the top of the stairs. Everything was closed and locked, but Jay didn't know what I should do next.

We got off the phone and I called 411 to get the number for animal control. They came over right away and opened the stove. There was a giant bird in there with a big, long, pointy beak. After chasing it around my house, the nince man opened my front door and set it free outside.

I was embarrassed because my house was so messy.

As soon as Bunny fell asleep for her nap I began cleaning, cleaning, cleaning...

Next, I need to go to the grocery store. Andrea is coming for dinner tomorrow night and I need to get fancy food to make.

Oh, good news. I sent out an email to people telling them that Billyreuban will be in town for Bunny's birthday party and invited them to come over for a pre-birthday pot luck dinner. I'll just do something simple like a baked ziti, salad, garlic bread and an appetizer. Hopefully Andrea will bring rice n' beans. Mmmmmmm... I think Ana is going to make turtle pie and cheesecake. Maybe I'll put out a fruit salad with melon and grapes. And make hummus.

Jay sent me a nice email today telling me how much he appreciates me and that he's sorry he doesnt' tell me more.

That was nice to hear.

[PEACE FROG]

I have been "LURKING". Checkin' out your journal every so often. You know I've heard this compliment paid to singers: they'll say,"They could sing the phone book". Well my dear I believe that you could make a shopping list utterly fascinating and entertaining! However I'm still hanging out.... waiting.... lurking... in the event that you will bust out in heavily shrouded metephor and prose! Still your biggest fan, Ed ;) :) Oh ya, BING!

[BandAide]

You've got to be kidding me...

I spoke with Christian today. He told me that Megan called Pat last week drunk beyond rational thought.

When is someone other than me going to address her issues?

She's become such an imposition in my life. When I ignore her emails and telephone calls she sends me scary, angry emails. And when I email her, I say, "I do not want you in my life. You put myself and my child in jeapardy on too many occassions and showed little regard for the value of our lives because you wanted to drink. Have a nice life and go away."

And then she goes on and on about how she doesn't have a problem with drinking and that she's just bipolar and she's always been bipolar and her mood swings aren't even bad anymore and can't she just win my trust back.

NO.

NO.

NO.

And I get angrier and angrier and angrier.

Now, she's sending cards to my mothers house for me and emailing and leaving me more messages on my cell phone.

How many times do I have to tell someone, in the most simple of terms, that becacuse of their poor bahavior, I do not feel comfortable having them in my life anymore? What self respecting person would just keep ignoring it?

And who the fuck does she think she's fooling?

I mean, if someone says I do not want you in my life because of your lifestyle, and you don't think that there's anything wrong with your lifestyle, than why wouldn't you just say, "Okay, we're now in different places. I guess we'll go our separate ways?"

Megan, just misrepresents herself. She just lies about who she is.

Liar. Liar. Liar.

Go starve yourself a little more. I don't have the time for it. And frankly, I do not care.

The reason I am moved at all by her is because I refuse to allow her to blame anyone but herself for our friendship demise. It was 100% her manipulative, bad person, bullshit that made me omit her swiftly. 100% her fault.

At some point someone needs to make her responsible for her actions.

And I might feels sorry for her, as I feel so sorry for others, but I believe (strongly) that all of this mass chaos is of Megan's conscious design. I believe she is a shitty person with a contrived agenda.

It's all about making Megan look good. It's all about partying. It's all about having nice clothes and being the thinnest girl and being the laziest girl and having the most french friend split ends processed at the nicest salons. It's all about people wanting to have sex with her. It's all about money.

And she is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tacky.

She is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo new money.

And perhaps that is snobby of me. But new money makes me want to puke. It totally grosses me out. Every time I hear someone tell me how much something cost as a frame of reference, I immediately lose a little bit of respect for that person. Like, "Oh, I'm wearing my 120 doller jeans today." Yuck. It's just so tacky. And that's how Megan is.

She used to give me these expensive, elaborate gifts all the time, which seems like it would be really nice of her, but then she'd be all sulky and sighy when I couldn't do the same. And so finally I asked her not to give them to me any longer because I wasn't able to reciprocate and it was making me feel badly.

But she kept on doing it... EXCESSIVELY.

So, I explained that I didnt' like it and every time she did it, I felt worse and worse...

And I suspect it made her happy to make me feel worse and worse...

Because she SUCKS.

[tooter_mcgee]

I know quite a few shallow women like her... maybe that's why the majority of my friends are guys, except for my close girls.

:hippie:
Di

[BandAide]

When did life become so hurried that I couldn't enjoy it anymore? Pleasure is barely visible and when it is, it is limited. I am so tired. I love my daughter and I am a really devoted, caring, kind mother... but it's really hard. It's so much harder than I ever anticipated. Even though everyone tells you how tough it is to be a mom, I didn't believe it.

Maybe I do too much.

But you can't choose your parenting style.

And mine does so much. I go and I go and I go and when Bunny naps I clean and I do prep work for dinner and some days I even get to shower. I go and I go and I go... and I do and I do and I do...

And I never get the chance to do nothing for long enough to really feel blessed by what I am participating in.

I guess that's why they say it all goes by so quickly.

I wish we could go on a vacation. The three of us. Some tropical place. Lay in the sun and play in the ocean with our baby.

We took photos last night when Bunny made her art project. I hung her paintings on the wall . They're so beautiful.

I think I'm getting sick. My throat hurts.

Andrea slept here last night. Too much wine to go home, I think. It was nice to spend some real time with her. We stayed up late while Jay went to bed with Bunny. I was up until 2 and then I let Jay sleep in this morning until 11. Lucky him, those government jobs don't make you work on Fridays. So, I got very little sleep and I think it's contributing to my sick feeling.

We upgraded our cable. My TLC stopped coming in and I had to do something about it.

I love TLC.

But they had a deal going and we got Digital cable with "on demand" for what we were paying before. We've been paying for cable since we moved here, even though we only just got a tv. It was less expensive to have both tv and computer cable, rather than just computer.

[BandAide]

Bunny, the artist!



http://img60.exs.cx/img60/7331/p10100349er.th.jpg (http://img60.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img60&image=p10100349er.jpg)



http://img181.exs.cx/img181/6192/p10100333xv.th.jpg (http://img181.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img181&image=p10100333xv.jpg)

[treehugger]

Oh, my god, Bandaide, that painting done by Bunny...I've seen stuff like that in very, very fancy houses! A budding artiste, indeed. :)

[BandAide]

Oh, my god, Bandaide, that painting done by Bunny...I've seen stuff like that in very, very fancy houses! A budding artiste, indeed. :)

You know, I have to agree with you Treehugger! She get's really into it too. She doesn't try to put it in her mouth or put the paint all over the floor... she's a natural. Thanks for noticing! I'm so proud.

We quartered that painting and hung it as four separate pieces.

[delta9]

If I'm the DOW - NOTICE ME NOTICE ME NOTICE ME :D


We upgraded our cable. My TLC stopped coming in and I had to do something about it.

I love TLC.
Don't forget THC (The History Channel - for if we do not know history, it is all too easy to let it repeat itself), and Discovery - Science channel...

And for "those" moods, you absolutely *have* to watch VH1... seriously, it *kills* MTV - MTV has crappy, meaningless, teenie-bopper programming, even DOW-like crap. VH1 has funny programs that are formatted well and meant for people of all ages - if not exclusively for adults. Their series on "30 years of hip hop" was superb. And in February, which is Black History Month, while MTV was playing "little 15 year old rich bitches turn 16 and gets everything they want", VH1 was playing a history piece on African Americans and the Movie Business.

They both play crappy music, though. What are you going to do? :)

[BandAide]

I’ve had something on my mind and have been trying to imagine a nice way to organize it on paper without making myself seem unnecessarily paranoid, crisp or burnt. First, I should preface this by writing that I have a wealthy family who has been extremely generous to my husband and I. They gave us a moderate wedding, allowed us to live with them for a year in order to save money, helped us purchase a home, helped us and continue to help us with baby expenses (clothes and such things) and have even helped us pay some bills when we got in over our heads and asked for help. They give us gifts of money on holidays and trust that we’ll use it wisely. …And we both use it wisely and appreciate it tremendously. Because of their financial help, my husband and I are able to have a lower level of stress than we would without it. We rarely have to worry about how we’re going to pay off our house or where our next meal will come from.

This is how I was raised. If you have something and someone you care about does not… you give it to them. Collectively, many of our friends (over the past two years) have borrowed thousands of dollars from Jay and I and have never been pressured to repay us. So, where we receive generosity, we are generous in turn.

…And it’s not exactly like we’re rich. We have 3 ½ people living on one fair income, so we just scrape by every month.

Jay gets up early every morning and goes to a job he doesn’t enjoy. He wears clothes he hates. He sacrifices his patience and his time for a mediocre income and excellent health care for our family. He comes home to a clean house and a warm dinner every night because I spend my days working my ass off. I am picking up and cleaning all day long or working with Bunny or preparing someone a meal. And we have a really nice home as a reflection of our hard work. And we certainly work hard. What I am not able to do every day, Jay helps me with on the weekends. I can no longer carry the laundry baskets downstairs because of my gigantic belly, so Jay does it. I can’t wash the floors every days because I have Bunny crawling around on them, so we wait until Saturday and I do it then.

At night, I’m content to lay in bed with my husband, curled up next to our baby and talk. It’s my favorite time of day.

And that’s about how exciting our lives are. Sure, we go out once every few months, but we can’t afford to do too much and we don’t have the time or energy for much. Usually, we ask people to come over. I think our friends are comfortable here and I think they like our baby, our dog and the fact that I enjoy cooking big meals.

But recently, a friend told me that two of my husbands mutual friends were discussing how different our lives would be if my parents weren’t there to offer us any help.

This immediately rubbed me the wrong way but I didn’t mention it because I wasn’t certain why I was having an adverse reaction to the comment. My friend went on to say, “Well you two wouldn’t have gotten married if your parents weren’t there and Jay Holler probably still wouldn’t be driving.”

Now, this really hurt my feelings.

I’m going to try to explain why.

First, Jay and I certainly would have gotten married. I am sensitive about this and may be over reacting to an innocent statement for this reason, BUT, Jay and I had very little support from his social group when we made the decision to be married. People had a tough time understanding it because I was pregnant. And no matter how many times we remind people that we had decided to get married before I ever got pregnant… it’s like the words just bounce off of them because they’ve made their minds up.

Then, when I meet new people, and I tell them how long we’ve been married and they immediately note that I was clearly pregnant when we had our wedding, they think nothing of it. I have never felt judged by anyone who wasn’t part of our lives before when we were dating. And I have felt it necessary to alienate so many people who I was close with in the time before Jay and I got married because I suddenly found them negative, unsupportive and destructive to my marriage. My pregnancy with Bunny was made so much harder by people’s malicious gossip and poor intentions. It was markedly stressful and hurful to my well-being.

And that statement about Jay and I not getting married without my parents help insinuates a bunch of things that are hurtful in the same respect.

Next, I wonder why anyone would be sitting around talking about how our lives could be less fortunate. Why would anyone do that? When people work hard and are successful, I do not begrudge them their happiness. Keep in mind, I do not know the context of this conversation or what was said, so I can only imagine what kind of conversation could lead a topic to my family and how we could be less fortunate than we are. I certainly can’t think of a positive way for it to happen.

Also, Jay and I work. We are in this process of creating a family. We work at our marriage. We are constantly learning how to be good parents to our little people. And frankly, I think we have not only met the challenge, but I believe we have excelled as parents. We work at creating a stable home and a loving home. We work to maintain our house. We work to pay our bills. We work towards our dreams. We work at supporting each other.

And when we can’t pay a bill… we are fortunate enough to ask for help.

And, I wonder if people think our lives have been made successful by someone else’s financial contributions. Certainly, it has been made easier, but Jay and I have done the work.

I feel devalued by the statement. It feels mean to me. I doubt it was intended to be mean. It’s more likely that it was intended to be a very matter-of-fact passing conversation, but it hurt my feelings.

[tooter_mcgee]

More than likely, his friends are having financial troubles of their own, or they just dont own a home like you do. I've come to observe that some people resent the fact that some can rely on their families for help when others absolutely cannot. This resentment may have stemmed from the dissaproval of your marriage, or maybe his friends feel they have been pushed away for something "better", and that's where the monetary issue would come into play possibly. Whatever the reason, it is cruel and uncalled for. Do your best to ignore it and keep that family of yours thriving! :)

:group_hug
Di

[BandAide]

My car broke down. I managed to make it home before it died completely. Luckily, Bunny is already safe and at my mom’s house for the night.

After cleaning my entire downstairs (ahhhhh… sweet relief,) I painted my toe nails. I had to borrow the toe nail polish from Tara because I don’t own any. I’m wearing an outfit I’ve never worn into the city tonight. It’s the sort of outfit that I’ll either feel beautiful in or completely miserable in, probably pending on the reactions of my husband and friend when they see me. Either way, I’m excited about the opportunity to get dressed in a fun skirt and do my hair and make-up. It’s so rare that I am able to. I wish I owned a brush and a hair blow drying. Or, better yet, a straightening iron like Logan’s.

My belly is really, really big. I wonder if there’s more than one baby in there????

Also, my boobs are HUGE. They hurt horribly. My top for the evening is strapless, so I’m not wearing a bra.

I broke a bra. It’s a size D. The weight of my newly enormous chest broke the straps. I had to buy a maternity bra in size E. I have also gone from a comfortable 36 to a comfortable 38. So, I am now a 38 E. This is nuts, considering that I began my first pregnancy as a 36B and within 9 months went to a 40DD and then down to a 36C and now up to a 38E.

After you shrink down from a DD to a C, your boobs look like sad, deflated, ugly little balloons. Though I knew this was going to happen, I hadn’t imagined what it would look like. When, finally, I saw it on my own body, I cried. Jay said, “It’s okay honey, they’ll go back to what they were,” which made me even more upset… because he’s wrong. They wont ever. They’re stretched out from growing and being sucked on for hours a day for 10 months.

Now… suddenly… not only are my boobs GIGANTIC. But they’re really, really nice looking. I told Jay that I think we should take pictures of them or something. They’re not droopy boobs at all. They’re standing up, plump and full, like the do on other girl’s who have really nice chests. They touch in the center all the time too.

My boobs are the first thing I’ve liked about pregnancy so far. Of course, they hurt. It’s true. It’s sad. But, if they’re going to hurt anyway… at least they’re beautiful to look at.

[BandAide]

Horrible night/Great show

It all began when I woke up yesterday morning. Bunny was having one of those days when nothing makes her happy. She doesn't want to be held but she screams if I put her down. She's clearly hungry but she doesn't want anything to eat. She needs a new nappie but screams her head off when I try to change her. She's yawning and rubbing her eyes but she refuses to take a nap. Those are tough days. I can't get anything done when life is like that. I can't even get out of my pj's. Finally, when I got her strapped into her car seat and headed out to my mom's house.

That's when my car broke down.

The nice man at the gas station helped me out and I was on my way again. I reached my final goal (home), Bunnyless, and came inside to clean my house and myself and get ready for a night of fun!!!!

I really liked my outfit and took extra pains with my hair and my make-up. I felt so pretty and prepared to have a great night.

Then, on our way to pick up Andrea, we came to an intersection with a green light and a red arrow. We were going left. The car before us went, but Jay said, "I don't think we're supposed to go." Keep in mind that Jay is the most careful driver I've ever known. Becuase of his past history with speeding and points and because those things have put him on state insurance which is more expensive than being on my insurance, he never does anything sketchy while driving. He even goes 25 in a 25 zone. Last year he got a ticket for speeding while leaving my baby shower, so he had to stay on the state's insurance this year. No doubt that this mishap will set us back another year! Because the next thing that happened was a car pulled up behind us and slammed on their brakes and pushed on their horn as if we should be going. So, Jay thought better of his original decision to stop and went through the intersection. Out came a cop and pulled us over. He was not a very nice man and he gave us a ticket without even making small talk or asking about our situation. I couldn't believe it!

Then, we picked Andrea up and headed in to see Nellie McKay, who is sooooo beautiful, fyi. She looked sort of ethereal, really. And her voice is just exceptional. It sounds as it does on her cd, which according to my husband is a feat worth mentioning.

But before we got there, in the middle of traffic in the middle of Manhattan, we hit a pot hole and blew out the tire on our right hand passenger side. No one would help us or let us in and this cab driver yelled to us that there was a tire repair place around the corner. It was a superstressful situation. It wouldn't have been so bad if not for the driving situation in the city.

So, we got a brand new tire. They weren't able to repair the old tire, but we would have gotten a new one even if it had been possible. Who knows how much yesterday cost us in auto-fines and repairs. Thank god for mastercard, my friends!

Next, Jay and I hadn't had dinner. Originally I wanted to go to this deli Andrea and I ate at the last time we went to Irving plaza, but it was too late and too cool to walk around looking for it, so we all settled for pizza. I got 2 gigantic pieces of white pizza with broccoli. Mmmmm... After the first piece I was pretty full... but I'd been very hungry and it was so yummy that I ate the second one too. I've had this thing with my protien lately. When I don't eat enough protein I become sick and faint feeling. My doctor diagnosed the situation and gave me some simple edible oral remedies that really work. But, yesterday, with things being so hectic, I didn't manage to follow them. See, I've become a pregnancy induced meat hater. I haven't eaten any real (chicken, pork or beaf) meat in a long, long time. I've had fish here and there, but there's not so much protein there. And I haven't had enough to support my diet. On most days I do fine. I eat big salads with eggs and beans. I eat tofu and cottage cheese and yogurt. But, on this day, I had only eaten a bagel with grape jelly and two veggie dogs. Then the pizza. there was cheese on the pizza, but not enough for a whole day's protein.

So, as soon as we got into the show I began to feel faint and sick and had to get a coke and sit down. I watched most of the opener, which was fantastic, and then found a cushy couch in the lounge and parked my big ole' pregnant butt there until break was over. I watched a very skinny, very beautiful girl on her cell phone walk around from mirror to mirror to mirror to mirror admiring herself over and over and over for a good 20 minutes (I'm serious!!!!!!)

Nellie was wonderful but we left before she stopped playing. It was almost midnight and Jay needed to pack for his weekend and get up for work today, so we left early. She was still going strong as we made our way from the venue.

But the time we got home it was almost two. I was too tired to even hold hands with Jay as we fell asleep. I always think we're going to have awesome, wild sex when we don't have Bunny, but we always end up going somewhere and coming home late and sex is the last thing on my mind.

I'm letting Sidney sleep in today. She's still in bed now. I generally get her up when I get up, though she'd sleep until 11 if she could.

I need to call a tow truck!

[BandAide]

My dress from motherhood.com came in the mail today along with the shoes I bought to match it. I went to the store to try the dress on first and then sat around and thought about how much I liked it for awhile before clicking to buy it. I tried it on with pantyhose (which I never wear) and my new shoes and was amazed by how much my stylings resemble my mothers. She's going to think I look great.

Do we all become like our mothers? Is it true?

I've been staying with them since Thursday. Jay has been away in the studio with Particle Zoo mixing their new cd. It's called Lonliness and Strangers. He called to say that it's better than anything they've done and he'll come home tomorrow with a cd to listen to. I can't wait!

Meanwhile, I asked my mom to babysit Bunny for me today so that I could come to our house and do a few things that I don't normally get to do because of the baby.

First, I cleaned out the cabinet where we keep our pans and reorganized it.
Then, I cleaned and swept our bedroom and reorganized my dresser and the big basket I keep my sweaters in.
Then, I picked up Bunny's playroom.
Then, I did two loads of laundry.
Then, I swept the whole downstairs and the stairs themselves.
Then, I cleaned the kitchen and unloaded the dishwasher.
Now, I'm going to go up and clean the upstairs bathroom and scrub the tub while I'm showering.

People have begun to ask me when I'm due... so I guess I'm really showing now.


Yesterday, three people asked while we were out.

We had a long day. We had lunch at the country club, then went shoe shopping for Bunny, then to my mom's salon to introduce bunny to her stylist, then to HomeGoods and then back home.

Bunny likes her new sneakers. They're the first pair of shoes she's ever agreed to walk in.

[BandAide]

Well, I don't ever need to think about circumcision again. I am having another girl. Phew. I really wanted another girl. I loved having a sister growing up and I really think Bunny will too.

I knew it was a girl.

Everyone said "BOY" so loudly... but I knew...

[Herbmama]

:D Congrads!

[Pedata]

Congratulations! :D :D :D


Peace,
Cassandra

[BandAide]

Hey cass...

Just so you know, I haven't forgotten that skirt.

[BandAide]

Top annoying thing ever:

People who have convictions and loudly advocate any support for their own opinions, yet when they are given any support for any other point of view, they will not hear you.

I remember once on the old forum someone kept saying that breastfeeding in public was in poor taste. This person refused to accept factual information about discrimination and the benefits of breastfeeding. I remember breastfeeding also being compared to urinating in public; as in "you can pull out your breast in public if I can pull out my penis." Then all facts were refuted with, "well, I know all that and I'm entitled to my opinion."

Well sorry dumbass, (or should I rephrase with "you sorry dumbass") but your opinion is ignorant, uneducated and witless. Sigh.

I keep seeing this shit and it is really, really annoying. I think it's the most frustrating when intelligent people are so clearly uneducated. They have this mind that can do things but because of misinformation and poor or limited cognitive training they become so limited.

And that's sorta funny as well because I know people who have 8th grade education who seem so much more educated and accepting then those who I'm writing about.

So, maybe it's not education... maybe it's arrogance. Some people have to be right. Their opinions have to be the best and the most convincing and the brightest shining in the room. What they do not realize is that in trying to be so right, right, right... they just look so fucking dumb.

[BandAide]

I’m not actually certain when my weekend began. There was a lot of prep work that happened on Thursday, so technically it began there. The only thing that I didn’t accomplish before the arrival of our company was cleaning out our horribly messy laundry room. Oh well.

I was so happy when Jay got home with Billy Reuben and Kevin P on Friday night. Bunny was just going nuts trying to get away from me. I don’t understand how a one year old can already get so annoyed with her mom. I mean, it’s clear that she loves me and that she is attached to me, but I also drive her crazy sometimes and she just wants her daddy. She’ll put her hand in my face making the bub-bye sign and point me to the door. I think that the part of me that minds this behavior is the part of me that feels obligated to. In actuality, I think it’s sort of cute and I’m glad she likes her dad. He doesn’t get to see her as much so they had a tougher time bonding than she and I did. Now, when she prefers him, it’s even comforting to me.

It was really nice to see Billy R and Kevin P. They’re both such nice boys. Seriously. Bill has this way of seeing everything as being particularly special and unique to a person. He reminds me of a breakfast egg in this sense. He’s always so positive. And he’s very in tune with what people do and feel proud of and is careful to give praise just where it feels the best. We hadn’t seen Kevin in an entire year and it was nice to see all these incredibly positive changes he’s made in his life. I think that starting over is so hard, especially when the life you’ve been living is more accessible than the one you want to lead. He will be a very rich and wise person when he is done with his transition.

Bunny warmed right up to Kevin but stayed a little leery of Bill. She’s so picky about people and I can’t ever seem to pin point exactly the characteristics that attract her to people or cause adversity for Bunny.

On Saturday we had such a nice morning. I got up with Bunny and got her dressed, fed and threw on some clothes myself. Then we headed out to our beautiful back yard to enjoy the day. I’m so glad I got that table and chairs set up outside because it was wonderful to wake up and have a pleasant little nook to sit in. Jay got up and our little family sat outside and played ball together and drew on our walkway with chalk. Bunny loved all of this. She really likes being outside and we’ve had so little family time together lately that she was eating it all up. It makes me really long for the summer days to come when we can get up and lounge around outside by the swimming pool together.

After Billy R and Kevin P woke up I began my party preparations. First, I fixed them a few eggs outside and then I went in to make a baked ziti, put together a party sized salad and put glasses, plates, napkins, forks, knives and spoons. After a hectic morning in the backyard with her Daddy and his friends, Bunny fell asleep for her nap and Jay, Billy R and Kevin P ran out to the grocery store for a few last things and then to the adult beverage place for beer and wine.

Erik was the first to arrive and soon others followed. All together the night consisted of myself, Jay, Bunny, Logan, Erik, Billy R and Kevin P, Scott, Dara, Jay Baker, Andrea, JP and Bongo Billy. It was a great way to celebrate Billy R’s long awaited visit to New Jersey. I love it when Jay gets to see his good friends. He loves those guys so much. I remember once he told me that the only people he’s ever loved were myself, Billy R and JP. Clearly, that was before Bunny was born. When he’s with them he acts a little bit differently and it reminds me of how he used to act before he was my boyfriend. This is the first time I’ve ever really noted the difference. It’s not bad nor is it good… it’s just a difference.

Both nights Billy R and Kevin P stayed, Bunny woke up screaming after about 4 hours of sleep. She hasn’t done that since she was about six months old. Strange. Maybe it was all the excitement.

On Sunday, we woke up and began preparing to leave for Bunny’s birthday party at my mom and dad’s house. I actually was able to get Bunny to nap early, which was amazing to me. Billy R, Andrea and JP went to the mall to buy an ipod and Jay and Kevin drove a separate car from Bunny and I because of all the toys we’d need to lug home. Bunny had so many people at her party. I was so touched that Molly traveled all the way from Florida to attend and Billy R came up from Maine. Chloe has been very sick and very contageous, so she wasn’t able to make it. The only other people who did not attend were sadly both of Bunny’s Godparents. I will refrain from commenting on that any further. At the party we all had a great time, but most importantly, Bunny had a great time. She played outside with her friends in her new birthday dress and delighted in everyone singing the happy birthday song in her honor. After an accident with the sun and a hersey miniature, the lucky duck got to put on a second birthday dress!!! Bunny was even patient as we sat outside with an audience and opened her gifts. Andrea was good enough to take photos of it all on our camera, which is wonderful to have. Generally our important pictures lack both parents.

After the party ended I was just so tired. Logan and Kevin came home with us. Logan actually ended up driving Bunny and I home after my car broke down again. Luckily it broke down at the Exxon station where I get it fixed.

It’s now Tuesday and I’m just beginning to feel as though I’m recovering and am gaining energy again. I finally got the laundry room cleaned out and we’ve managed to spend the bulk of our days outside. The only challenging part of my last fews days was definitely Bunny’s one year well visit. Poor Bunny finally knows when she’s about to get shots and she’s a fighter. Sigh. Seeing her in such pain is very taxing for a mommy.

Oh, we’ve decided on the name Lila for Baby X. My mom and Jay’s step dad Dennis have decided to not give up on their “it’s a boy” conviction. Nuts.

I made a cheesecake tonight. I also soaked strawberries in cream, vanilla and sugar and then layered them on top. I hope it’s good.

[theREALsun]

you are the coolest chica.......
queen of mutlitasking......
i love the way you put SO much into everything you do.....
and it is always for others......

kindred spirit, i believe :)

[BandAide]

Too much. So much. No time. It's true!

I may be leaving NJ and heading out to Colorado next month. Sadly, a boy who I was once very, very close with has AIDS and another of our friends is holding a reunion of friends in his honor. 10 years ago we were all so close, since we've all gone in separate directions. We're all over the country and don't have the least idea what is happening in anyone's lives. And now we're all going to come together for this very sad occassion and catch up and talk about times when life was uncomplicated and we'd go dancing on school nights and drinking a bottle of wine was the wildest thing imaginable.

I called my dr. to get approval to go and she okayed it. I can travel throughout the month of May but need to stop in June.

Talissa says I can stay with her. I'll have to ask her to pick me up from the airport as well.

Andrea says she'll come out to our house for the weekend and help Jay with Bunny.

Bunny spent the afternoon in the ER.

She fell off the baby camping chair that Tara lent us and fell into the corner of a wall. Her head bruised and swelled pretty badly so I took her in. She had to have a cat scan and I had to call my mom to come and take her in for it because I wasn't allowed in the room. Pregnant people can't be exposed to radiation.

It was so stressful.

And then, a helicopter landed in the park behind our house and an ambulance met it there. Tara and Tim said it looked like a little boy being flown to a hospital. Something terrible must have happened to him. Sigh. Imagine how his parents must feel. It made Bunny's head trauma seem really mineut.

Our bedroom is 80 degrees. Jay says he'll put the cooler in the window. Bunny is wearing her sassy tank top pj's.

[BandAide]

...ate insanely delicious cheese sticks from pizza hut today. People in New Jersey never eat at pizza hut because there are so many awesome pizza places everywhere you turn. I never liked pizza until I moved here. I still only barely like it. My system can handle it about once every few months or it goes into greasy junk overload. Salt and vinegar potato chips never offend it, however.

Pregnancy cravings to date:

Oranges (first few months)
chocolate (I ate my way through it)
salt and vinegar potato chips with cream cheese (I only let myself think about it.)
And finally, the weirdest so far
Sandwhiches with just mayonaise (which I normally hate), tomatoes and pickles.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... I want them every single day.


Then, Jay, Bunny and I went to the Phillipsburg Mall and I bought a new dress from the motherhood store.

Jay looked about for a blue something something that would allow him to take the photos he takes with his phone and put them onto his computer. He talked to the guy in the electronic store in geek code about it for a little while.

I am really looking forward to our possible trip to Denver. Jennifer says that we can stay with her. We might. But I also found a deal at expedia where all three of us can travel round trip, have two nights at a downtown hotel and a rental car for two days, all for only $800. That's not too shabby. Jennifer says that you can bring a feeding chair on with you, check the car seat and then check the stroller right before you board the plane. That seems managable. The three of us can all share one suitcase and check that with the car seat. Then, we can stuff a backpack with diapers, wipes, a few toys, snacks and books and carry it on.

Let's see, how does this really seem.

Check-
one suitcase
one car seat
one stroller

Jay
Bunny (sometimes)
backpack

Anna
Bunny (sometimes)
boppy pillow

Then, we can buy diapers, wipes and food when we get there.

[BandAide]

Oh Dear! I have some serious catching up to do ‘round these parts.

Here’s what’s been on my mind:

I’d like Jay and I to be a little less dependent on the generosity of my parents. The help they give us is not free. My Dad treats me like shit and my mother is suffocating. They’ve become dictators in our lives. And there’s always this really great triple-chocolate-cake-with-no-fat-and-no-calories reward at the end of a stick that could do us a lot of damage if it smacked us in the face.

They help us with our house. We wouldn’t even have it if it weren’t for their excellent credit.
They help us with our bills when we can not pay them.
They help me with the baby when I need a sitter.

And some of this is necessary. Until the girls are older and I can work, we’re going to need help with the house. We’re lucky to have the help. We’re lucky not to be in a renting situation where our money is going nowhere. And that’s about it.

At the root of all this is that I fear Jay and I have become too materialistic. We don’t NEED a home phone line. We do not NEED cable tv. We do not NEED pine nuts, avocados, cheese from the international cheese bar and garlic stuffed olives from the olive bar all bought at the most expensive (but freshest) grocery store in town. We do not NEED ipods and lap tops and cell phones that cost a hundred dollars. We do not need new clothes all the time either (well… I actually do… but after I have the baby I won’t any longer.) We do not NEED a vacation or Chinese food once a week.

I never clip coupons. I never go to Shop Rite.
I could get a part time job for the weekend and make an extra $50 a week. And that would certainly help us.

And then we wonder where all of our money is going.

I feel greedy.

I want to move to Oregon and live in the middle of no where and grow my own vegetables and go camping for fun.

I just have this desire to massively simplify my life.

To get rid of all the stuff that clutters all of my space and do away with it.

To stop typing and pull ou a sharp number two pencil.

.-.-.-.-.-.-

I’m outside sitting in the orange chair on our front porch. I laid a cushion from the backyard furniture down for Bunny to pounce on and brought out her house. It’s nice to have a day when we can be outside again; even if it’s not swimming weather.

Bunny had to be taken to the hospital last week. I think it was Wed. She hit her head and needed a catscan. The bruise has just about disappeared. It probably wasn’t that big of a deal, but her head swelled up and bruised immediately, so it’s always better to be safe.

I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

I’ve been very, very, very hungry.

I’ve also been hungry for peanut butter, I think. Not peanut butter sandwiches though. Peanut butter m&m’s and nutter butter cookies, mostly. I’m getting really, really round again. I see all these pregnant people who look so cute, not unlike Tara and I wonder why they don’t get hungry like me. Jay says, “oh, but everyone is different,” as if that’s satisfactory or something. Like, “hey, mister, why did you rape 15 women.” And he replies, “Oh, well… everyone is different, Anna.” I know, I know… not a fair comparison. I can’t help it. I’m not in the mood to be terribly rational.

I’d better get going. I want to get a little bit of sun. I’d really like to nap in the sun… but that’s not going to happen. Who knows, maybe Jay will come home to find Bunny and I asleep in the back yard covered in ants.

[BandAide]

I’m feeling really terrible lately. I can’t explain it with 100 percent accuracy, unfortunately, which makes me suspect the villain is hormonal. I mean, there’s nothing actually wrong that I can put my finger on. I just feel sorta empty and sad. For the past few days I’ve felt on a constant verge of tears and I don’t feel like doing anything. My mom has Bunny and I have a house to clean, but I just don’t feel like doing it. Sigh. It feels lonely.

Jay and I went to see Ani Difranco at the State Theater last night. On stage were only she and a bass player- Todd someone. Her mood was excellent and the show was glorious.

I was trying to explain my relationship with her music to Jay, but I don’t know that I did so adequately. See, five years back, I would have been counting down the days until I could see her fanatically. She used to be a super-star to me. There would have been anticipation and nervousness and I would have squealed with delight as she came on the stage.

Now, years later, I forgot that I was seeing her. We got the tickets when I got my little post card from RBR telling me she’d be in town, put them away and I forgot all about it until my mom reminded me that I asked her (months ago) to babysit on April 27th. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing her. I was just going because, as I do with Jay’s band, when Ani plays I just make an effort to go see her. It’s just what I do. I don’t care if she’s playing with a band or she’s playing solo. I don’t care where it is, just so long as we’ve got time to get there. I don’t care who’s opening for her. I just show up. It’s like when people ask me if I enjoy her new music. Idunno if I enjoy it or not. I buy it. I listen to it really hard, as if she’s my old friend on the telephone who I only speak with once a year, telling me all about what’s been going on in her life lately. I listen hard, like that. And when I see her on a stage, I feel like she’s just there telling me about it in person.

As I looked around that crowded theater last night, I realized that there were two very specific kinds of fans there. There were the people who were just as I used to be, mouthing every lyric to every song as if she wrote them specifically for them… and there were the graduates, listening hard, hard, hard and genuinely sorry she’s had such a tough year. But we all were relating to her in this very loyal fashion that has so little to do with songs and so much to do with heart.

There’s something about the way Ani Difranco writes and speaks and sings. There’s something about the tone of her voice that is entirely comforting to a demographic of people. And this demographic develops a relationship with the little folk singer that is both loyal and compassionate. Aside from a lot of hard word, it’s this specific quality which made her so successful. Because really, she doesn’t offer her audience anything other than a whole lot of music and an opportunity to see her at least once a year, if not more.

[BandAide]

I want to write you in a place where I can delete anything, anywhere.

I want to edit you.

I want to like you.

I want you to like me back.

I want Visine eyes and Pantene Pro-V hair.

I want to eat oranges on the beach and not get sand stuck between my fingers.

I want them to discover that cigarettes are actually healthy for you and that you should begin smoking when you become pregnant because pregnancy would just be so much easier if I could smoke.

It really would.

I want my husband to quit his job

I want to sell our house and buy a big RV and start a family band and home school our children and travel around the continent playing the tambourine and drinking chocolate milk.

I want to lay in bed all day long and have it really be night, with cool air coming through the window next to me and the baby asleep in the middle of the bed while we whisper jokes and remember songs you made up about the dog.

I want to cook big dinners with our friends and eat them outside in the back yard.

I want to drink beer.

I want to swim at the local pool.

I want to travel with our children.

I want to see the whole entire world and never get sick with the gross poops people get when they travbel w the whole world.

I want to live life digitally and still be simple.

I want everything to be bold the temperature. I want the temperature to always be 80 degrees in the day and 55 at night.

I want the ocean to be less scary.

I never want to try frog legs.

[BandAide]

Crappy mood- Broken “o” key- Sidney’s on my nerves- the lady at the A&P forgot to bag the apples I bought to make a pie and now I have to run back to the store because they cost almost 7 dollars and try to reclaim them- and it’s not the end of the world- but Bunny is asleep and getting her up and out of the house can be tricky- especially after a bowl of raisin bran and six ounces of prune juice- and I’ll be behind schedule and I would really have liked to have peeled these apples while she slept- but fuck it- fuck it- fuck it- there are annoying people on the baby story today- ALL I WANT TO DO IS EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT AND EAT SOME MORE- I am so hungry- an empty pit- for potato chips- for peanut butter m and m’s- I’m in such an ugly mood- I didn’t get to take a shower until a little while ago- Three pimples on my chin- I want to go to camp for fat people- I want to get a make-over- I want a hair-do- I want a chocoate chip cookie- I’M GOING CRAZY- “GRAWL”- and my body has started to ache- especially at night- my back hurts and my legs ache and my boobs kill- complain, complain, complain- blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-

I got the baby blues- the bad mood shoes- for fools- who drool- in pools- of sour patch kids and pigs.

YUCK.

[LIBRA]

Awww I feel for ya!!! Cheer up buttercup!! thats what I tell Kris when he's down in the dumps, always makes him smile, granted your not 3 and your six months pregnant but hey!!

Have a nice mothers day I hope you get pampered!!! :hb:

[Pedata]

You poor thing! I don't know if it will help, but here's a big hug :group_hug


I know that getting a small child ready to go anywhere can take an hour. Sorry you lost your apples :bawl:

Only a few months to go :) You're two thirds of the way.

Peace,
Cass

[BandAide]

6 and 1/2 months pregnant. This is how it is treating me.