Postwhore Chronicles

[RockyJay]

This thread is subtitled "Unorganized Thoughts of A Postwhore."

I postwhore because I am trying to keep busy. If I keep busy I will have less time feeling depressed.

I stayed away when I read the thread about fears. Because I feared losing people I love, and I lost two. I was becoming aloholic but something made me stop from drinking myself to oblivion every night. I thought I can handle the pain without help, but I was wrong. I became a big crapload of a desperate pathetic mess. I am staying at their old dorm room, which took a little explaining because the dorm was supposed to be a "ladies only" dorm. Majority of the sisters are nice. The head honcho sister was nice to me after I donated, but the other girls old me she was different. They were right. I am the only man under age 46 who lives in this dorm. One of three. Being surrounded by beautiful ladies and being the only guy here some would call me one lucky bastard. I joke a lot about that. I notice them, but to me they pale in comparison with Anna.
I am staying in their old dorm room. Things that once belonged to them are here, what's left anyway. I spent days watching old videos, their life. When I'm not here I go to the cemetery. Why? Because I feel the need to be as close as possible. I sleep on Anna's old bed. At night I hold her pillow, because it smells like her. Repeatedly I remember the time when they were here and Anna and I were teasing Nan about a pillow. Who's more pathetic now? I win. I am under therapy. Professional help for a guy who lost people he loves. I was going out of the country but the professional said I was attempting an escape. So I didn't escape. I am here until the days I was trying to escape pass.

It's part of the therapy to publicly tell people my thoughts. I think this is the best way for people not to respond to what I post ever again.

Can someone say Jay is "wacko" now?


RockyJay

[delta9]

It's a process, and you must go through with it. Your therapist is right - if you just left, you'd just be escaping it and you might truly never deal with it. It would hang over your head forever. Do what you need to deal with it.

No one is going to ignore you for opening your heart here.

[treehugger]

Nah, Jay. You aren't "wacko". You are just hurting. It's cathartic to open your heart. Feel free.

Kath

[LIBRA]

I couldnt even imagine dealing with that, so do what you need to, writing down feelings is a very good way to get it out, who better to get it to then us!!! keep on keepin on rockyjay!!!!!

[BandAide]

Ouch.

Poor rocky jay.

Personally, I always escape. Generally, I go to other countries as well. I live for awhile and I deal with my pain in a new setting. I find it helpful mentally to be in a brand new situation when I am trying to make a brand n ew emotional start.

Idunno. Escape has healed many of my broken hearts.

[PEACE FROG]

Take as long as you need, no one can tell you its "time to feel better". I watched my brother die of cancer, five years ago. I still go to the phone to call him now and then. The poem called "curley blonde bowtie" was about him. Anyways brother cry alot, cry often the pain will pass. Hey when you're ready for your exodus, I live in the mountains of north California. We do Harleys and Horses here..... you're more than welcome! Behave, be cool ! :) Ed

[RockyJay]

I have been dreading this day.
Today is the 30th of March 2005.
They would have been 21.

[RockyJay]

I close my eyes and I come back to the time when a simple glimpse of you would make my heart race, hearing you laugh and seeing you smile would make me feel like each and everyday was perfect and nothing could go wrong, and if something did, I wouldn't mind so terribly. The time where being in the same room with you brought joy to my heart I haven't felt for anyone else. The time where you and your sister would make the corniest jokes and do things most strange and make everyone laugh, and make me feel as if the world was mine and life is always good. The time where you always made me wear pink shirts because you thought it looked "really cute" on me. The time where you will laugh so hard when people would ask if I was gay because you made me wear pink all the time and then say that it takes a real man to wear pink. The time where you'd make me take you to the mall to go shopping for hours, and I would complain incessantly but deep inside I would be giggling and happy because I was with you. The time where I was a better man because of you. The time where my life made some sense. The time when there was you. You have been gone for months but I haven't fully accepted it. You left a hole so wide in my heart I feel that's there's nothing left. Who am I kidding? There is nothing left. How can I live without you? How can I live after you? I wasn't prepared for this kind of pain Anna, come back please. Come back and I'll throw away everything I have and buy everything in pink. Come back because I spent lots of hours learning how to cook your favorite food from your nanny. Come back and be my wife and the mother of my children. I'll do anything, just please come back. Come back so I can tell you how much I love you and it's you and only I love. Walk into this room and throw something at me because I changed your pink sheets to a more manly color. Come back and I won't tease you about your driving ever again. Come back because I want to see you again, hear your voice again, hug you again. Come back Anna please come back help me live again. What hurts me most of all is that you can't come back. Because you're gone. I still love you.

[LIBRA]

I dont know what to say to you rocky, you made me cry thats for sure, you poor guy, really you must have loved her so much, it hurts me I feel like I feel your pain on some level but I know I have no Idea. those word were beautiful an I am sure she loved it!! keep your head up, I wish you the best of luck I would tell you it will all be ok, but you probably hate hearing that and wont believe it anyway, but try. :group_hug :group_hug :group_hug :group_hug
lots an lots of hugs!!!!!

[RockyJay]

My last post came out of me after reading hidden files made by Nana (Medea) meant for someone else and reading through Anna's journal which I had found. I cried like Niagara falls the time I was gone. I went home to my mom and cried. The lady who kissed my ouches away when I was little still is the best comfort can recieve even if I'm a grown guy. It's better than my ex buddy called vodka.

Till My Heartaches End

I recall
When you said that you
Would never leave me
You told me more
So much more like when the time
You whispered in my ear
It was heaven in my heart
I remember when you said
That you'd be here forever

Then you left
Without even saying that you're leaving
I was hurt
And it really won't be easy to forget
Yesterday
And I pray that you would stay
But then you're gone
And oh, so far away

I was afraid this time would come
I wasn't prepared
To face this kind of hurting from within
I have learned to live my life beside you
Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight
And if into my dream
You'd come and touch me once again
I'll just keep on dreaming
'Till my heartaches end

It's a song. I have the file here with a lady friend singing it. I'm going to let you guys hear it once I find a place where it can be hosted. I tried uploadhut but it was stated in the TOS that I couldn't place the link in any forum. It's the song that describes how I feel right now. It helps to imagine that if Anna knew I was doing this, she would be teasing me in no time for being such a sissy boy and Nana would be teasing me about getting this from her.

For everyone, thank you. And I am sorry for making you sad, I didn't mean for anyone to be.

Mama's boy
Jay

[RockyJay]

I want a drink for every thought that comes to mind that brings pain. :(

[Lorilou]

:o Drink water. please.

[mistkgarden922]

Dont give up Jay! As long as you can see your love in your dreams she lives in your soul. Everytime you want to take a drink. Stop and daydream of your love and her smile and drink that in and live in the joy on that memory.

[RockyJay]

The past RockyJay thinks about everyday.

I was preparing something for Anna. My buddies helped me prepare something for her. I paid close attention to my appearance, I wanted to show her I can look pretty decent wearing nice clothes. I picked up flowers from my friend's shop, white stargazer lilies, her favorite. It was a surprise. We couldn't find her anywhere. And then hours later we did. When we found her she was just lying there. We tried waking her up. Empty bottles, papers in the room. On the way to the hospital her heart stopped. It took about an hour to get to that hospital. The people with us told me all I did was hold her and say, "You're going to be alright" over and over. I don't remember that. It didn't sink in yet. I remember sitting in the hallway on the floor, my father telling me she's gone. And then I went to her ssiter's (Medea's) hospital room, and sat there. I sat there for a long time, her cousin went in and told me that their family didn't want Medea to know her twin is gone. I started sending messages to people telling them Anna was gone. The lie we told Medea I tried to believe, because I couldn't accept it. I pretended what we old her was really true.

[RockyJay]

I finally managed to put the song somewhere. When my lady friend sang it, I tried not to cry. That song really is what I feel for Anna.

TillMyHeartAchesEnd (http://home.ripway.com/2005-4/285415/TillMyHearachesEnd.MP3)

[MissD]

why did she die? I hope thats not to blunt, but was she sick?
I really feel for you rocky, keep talking I think it will help you.

:group_hug peace and love to you!!!!

[RockyJay]

She overdosed. Her sister was sick with cancer and she thought I didn't love her.

[Pedata]

Sorry that you're going through such sadness. Keep writing, sometimes that's a good way to get through things. :)

Peace,
Cassandra

[mistkgarden922]

Sorry to here thats how she died. You just need to keep looking to the future for answers about the past and maby someday you'll understand why this all happened. Keep writting and you'll always have an outlet for the pain. Just know that here there are people listening and we do care.

[RockyJay]

Today was spent on being with the girls' adopted little sisters. They were here because their family attended mass in the near chapel and their parents visited the nuns. One little girl was very quiet when she entered the room. I can tell she was reliving memories. The other one was jumping and running a lot, and kept shouting the name of a dance song. I played it for her but before she danced she hugged the speaker and said some words that sounded like ekwikehwik and shit. The older of the two said it meant Erich and street. The other dorm girls asked for permission to take them to the park and we spent the day there with their nannies. That was my day.

I continue.
I didn't have time to properly mourn, I just moved to taking care of Nana like a neurotic. I had promised Anna that I would protect Nana a few days before and it was in Anna's suicide letter. First we told Nana her sister went home because Anna got tired from watching her. When Nana asked, her sister was always somewhere with someone. We didn't tell her because her family didn't want her to know. Because of her condition, they didn't want to lose Nana too. Sometimes it helped because she didn't remember who Anna was. It got to a point where I couldn't deal with it and I went to the US to be with my
old buddies to get wasted everyday. And then we had the perfect excuse. When Nana asked, Anna was with me. And when Nana calls, Anna was sleeping or out shopping. Sometimes I was too wasted to answer the phone. Sometimes I turned my cellphone off. Then she found out because Erich told her. Erich is the man in her life, he's the dude who made her write that
whatever happens she will be strong because he loves her. Her cousin, told me that Nana frequently said that at least she still had Erich and her family. A few times she cried when she remembered who Anna is. I thought Nana was in good hands, there are people who love her there and she's doing fine. But I came back. I came back because Nana is a very good friend, my female best friend, and I thought maybe she needs another person for support. I came back because Nana was Anna's twin, I could still see a living reminder of Anna. I came back because I wanted to pretend that Anna was still alive and I was there to relieve her from her post of taking care of Nana. I came back because I remembered Anna left her jacket in my car and it was the only thing of hers that I have left. I cried like Niagara falls in my car holding her jacket because the perfume still lingered there.

This is my favorite picture of Anna.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/___/f4b355ae.jpg

[RockyJay]

Today I remember the good times. And I smile and laugh at the good memories. It is painful to think that I will never make memories like that again.

[mistkgarden922]

Anna was very pretty. I'm glad you can finally start to look back and remember the good times. Someday you'll be able to make good memories again and then your healling will be almost over. I hope you get throught this, with every post you soud a little better and thats good.

[RockyJay]

Yes she was very beautiful. When she talked you'd think maybe she swallowed a loudspeaker.

Recollecting memories
Jay

[RockyJay]

I called Anna's cellphone. As expected, she didn't answer. I left her a very long message. I cried, then I laughed then I laughed and cried and then cried. I'm an idiot. I know she'll never answer. I miss her voice, I want her to hear her say Hoy Jamie again like she used to. She and her friends call me Jamie. She prounounced it Jah-mi, and nly her was allowed to call me like that the others could call me Jamie but never Jah-mi. I miss her. I miss being with her. I miss hugging her. I miss talking to her. I even miss getting her McNuggets everyday. She loved those McNuggets. I miss hearing her laugh. She had the most magnificent, stunning, striking, superb, lovely, delightful, charming laugh. I miss seeing her smile. I just really wanted to talk to her and I can't go to the cemetery today so I called her cellphone. No, I just called her sim card, her cellphone could have been sold already for all I know. I also realized that I am very angry with Anna. I am very angry at Anna because if only she tried to be stronger a little longer or she asked for help I would try my all to help her. I am very angry at her because she left me here loving her. I am so jealous of her sister because Nana tried so much to live for her love. Why couldn't Anna be like that? Why couldn't she at least waited a few hours to see the surprise I was going to give her that night? I am angry at her for even thinking that I didn't love her. Angry is not the word, it's livid. I am very angry at her for hurting herself. I am very angry at myself because I wished I had found her sooner. If I had found her sooner I would have saved her. I am angry at myself because I shouldn't have spent too much time picking out which shoes, which food, which song, those fucking details for her because Anna never got to see them. I am very angry at myself because a few weeks after she died I slept with her cousin. I thought she was Anna, I was too drunk to see straight and I am a fucking asshole. And now she's late. Hooray for me. I am a fucktard. I miss Anna. My heart and soul hungers for Anna.

[RockyJay]

I spent time with a stranger for a few days. She was so different I hardly recognized her. I have seen why others are so angry. I talked to her for a long time. One point I begged her so I can break the promise I made. If she understood the things I talked about, she never did or said anything that constitutes as an actual response. I don't know if she understands. She has a damaged brain. She has lost the ability to walk. She no longer looks directly at people, nor want to be touched. She lives in her own world now. If she is, that world is not a good one, because she cries a lot. The last full moon she cried so hard looking at the moon they had to move her to a room with no view of it. Every night she cries where she calls out a name people do not want to hear or speak of and reaches for a person who will never be there. I feel responsible because I saved her from an end she chose and now she doesn't have a choice. Maybe if I didn't save her then her pain would have ended a long time ago. I miss the friend I have in her that's lost inside of her.




I just quit my part-time job. I have packed my things and will move out of my apartment tomorrow. I don't stay there anymore except to do the laundry and stress release playing music. I sleep here in Anna's old dorm. Putting the place up for rent would generate an income, which will be good. I will be selling my second drum set, I only need one and owning two takes up too much space. I will also sell my car. The money will be put away for the child's future. I am going to be in this child's life and I will befriend the lady who is carrying the baby more. I am still deciding if I will take her to the trip my father has asked me to take, I think I should, because it would give me time to talk to her. My family wants to have proof first that the child is really mine before I do anything. I don't think she would lie to me about a matter like this. We have agreed that there will be no marriage, considering how the child was concieved but I have promised and willing to sign a contract that I would love, care and provide for the child as best as I can. Medical school is no longer an option if I am going to be in my child's life, I will not be able to focus on him or her. The name of the baby mother is Jen and she eats a whole lot of apples. She is cousin to Anna and Nana. Today she ate a total of 10 apples. :ufo:

[RockyJay]

I just sold my car.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/___/DCP_0005.jpg

[RockyJay]

I am going to do something that could get me killed. May God help my soul. But before I do that I am going to tell a story.

[RockyJay]

I am a friend of a girl who was on this forum very briefly called Medea. To me, she is a best friend, a sister. She is the twin sister of the girl I love, Anna. Both of them were sunshine. They were beautiful on the outside and on the inside.

Know what, my account of this part of their life will have pictures.

[Pedata]

I am going to do something that could get me killed. May God help my soul. But before I do that I am going to tell a story.
????? Uh......what are you up to?

[peach_blossom]

He's in the hospital right now. He was found lying near Anna's grave. Attempted suicide.

[treehugger]

Oh, that's so sad. :( :bawl:

I really should check this post more often...in retrospect it seems the signs were there.

Is he going to be okay?

Kath

[LIBRA]

I wondred about him too, I saw it was his birthday not to long ago.
Poor rocky he is so sad I cant imagine the pain he felt.

lots of love and good luck.

[Pedata]

How is he now???


Poor guy :(

Peace

[peach_blossom]

A mess. Especially when he came to. :(

[LIBRA]

Well we need more then that, is he ok? what did he do? Give him our happy hippy love!! :group_hug

[Pedata]

Well we need more then that, is he ok? what did he do? Give him our happy hippy love!! :group_hug
Ditto.

Can we have some details?

Peace